All Hail

I have lots of friends who love me, and who I know care.  Somehow I still manage to feel lonely.  I tear up for no reason and I feel emotional and disgusting.  It doesn’t make sense.  Feeling sad is a normal thing, is it not?  But I feel angsty.  because thats how sad people are made to look.  is being sad a fashion?  I’m not even actually that depressed.  I just get sad a lot, but I’m not a depressed person.  I want to go out in the middle of the night but im not allowed to.  I’m so tired of life and school and just being alive. its so exahusting.  I have hw I shoudl be doing right now but I’m not going to do it.  Ik my mom is tired but im sitll not going to bed.  she just told me to go to bed.  I can type pretty fast I’m quite pround of myself.  up to 80 wpm..but then there are people who can  do 124..or so.  which is insane.  All my journals turn itno random streams of conciousness.  I think my teachers know ive been struggling and I’ve just been sad, everyone is sucpicious.  I’m not tire because I took a huge long nap.. my spelling is autrocious.  I find it weird that these can be public.  You want attention in a weird way but also not.  its sort of a feeling that you can send off your thoughts into the void and people might read them.  They might laugh at you or relate.  most wont take the time to comment.  most are preocupied with their own little lives.  Go dmy spelling really is terrible.  Why don’t I take the time to fix it?  I have school tomorrow.  I have problems sleeping.  I wake up a lot. I’m a light sleeper.  My sentences have absoultly no flow and yet I want to be a writer.  I dont know what I’m doing with my life.  Isn’t it dangerous making these public?  Then again, how many other people would read it.  How many other peiople feel the same way?  Who knows.  I thought I could write something full of meaning and it would be relatable and I’d look back at it and feel proud.  That never happens.  WHen I look back at my writing all I feel is disgust becaue I dont have real problems and I gripe about them anyways.  I have no reason to be upset about anything.  My life is GREAT.  I should be happy with what I have, but I’m not.  I feel terrible and ungrateful, but I also want more.  I feel uncultured because I can’t spell and I’m not taking the time to fix it.  PEace out.

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