Just the usual questions.

Song: I used to recognize myself; funny how affections change. Let it Go by James Bay

Daily Chore: Dishes

I’ve been thinking about that a whole lot, this whole ‘who am I and what am I worth’, and I’m trying to figure out the answers that will at least appease me for a few minutes. I’m just not entirly sure how I can be worth much when I put myself next to another woman that, in comparison, is far more superior than myself.

I don’t see how I am any better than her, and then I kind of realize that I’m not. I was the more reasonable choice. I was the choice that made more sense, not because I’m loved more or even cared for more, it’s because in the long run I’m more reasonable. Mentally she is far more better and I guess intelligently she is far, far more better off and compatible with him. And he still sees her as someone that is wonderful. How can I compete with that and know that he’s going to stay with me?

If someone that involved herself with a man that was/is in a relationship with another person is still considered great and wonderful – how am I supposed to feel special? Neither one of them are horrible and neither one of them are ‘bad’, it’s just they made bad choices. They knew exactly what they were doing, yet neither saw what it was doing to me. He didn’t stop loving me, but he wasn’t in love with me because he was in love with her. I was just a convenient aspect of his life that made more sense while he could live in a fantasy world with another woman.

She got everything. I may of been picked, but I am certainly not the winner here. She is. She got his affections, his love, and his attention while I was dying right in front of his eyes. I knew what was happening, I knew that something was wrong, but I thought I could trust him, I thought I was worth fighting for, I thought he was still in love with me. Since he picked me, I guess I am worth something. At the time, he was too occupied with her that he didn’t see what he was doing to me.

Yes, he is trying and I deeply appreciate it. I’m glad that we are working on our relationship, and it makes me happy to know that he is moving on – at least I like to think he is. At the end of the day though, who am I and what am I worth?

I don’t want him to be with me because he’s scared that I’m going to hurt myself. If that is the reason why, it doesn’t help our situation any. I’m still not convinced that he is with me because he wants to be. I can’t help but feel that he’s just sticking around to make sure that me and his child will be okay, while sacrificing his happiness. A happiness that I obviously couldn’t really give him because another woman gave him that, she fulfilled something that I could not while also being everything else.

I still want to hurt myself because I can’t help but feel that I am still inadequate, especially to her standards. He got everything from her, while he could still have a comfort zone with me. I’m happy to know that I can give him something and be there for his successes. Those sorts of things actually break the foggiest parts of my mind and let some light pour in before the clouds move back in.

I am trying my hardest to be excited about Avalynn. I still regret not aborting her though. I regret it every minute she moves inside me, every time someone mentions her, every time someone congratulates me. I don’t want to bring her into this world when I’m full to the brim of uncertainty that in some ways may not be justified.

I am hoping that when she is born and I hold her that I’ll find my significance in her eyes, some sort of meaning as to why I’m still even trying to be with a man that loved someone behind my back and lied to me, a wonderful man that made horrible choices. I’m hoping that I can feel special again in his eyes and that I can be my individual person once more. It’s just not fair to her when her own mother can’t’ be excited for her arrival. I’m trying. I’m trying really hard to care and be excited and want her in my life. 

I know he loves me. Really, what man would put himself with me when there was obviously a better choice at hand? He’s trying and deserves to know that his attempts are getting through, and they are worth so much of what self-esteem I have left. Again, I just hope he’s not hanging around because he’s scared of the consequences of his choices. We all have to live with our choices and get on with life, and he has to know that I don’t want his false love because he’s scared I’m going to kill myself.

I still want to, even with him being with me.

It’s really nothing that he has done though. There’s nothing new to this situation that has promoted me to think this way. I’m getting more and more comfortable, but I fear that any minute I’m going to say something that is going to make him feel as if I’m pushing him away, when really I’m trying to be more open and let him know how I feel. I don’t want to make him feel guilty, but that is one unavoidable bullet because he caused this situation to happen, and so did she, but again she’s the better one so how can he blame her and stop loving her? She is a victim in his head, again putting me in runner up.

I don’t necessarily want to die. Except I think about what I have going for me. I want to fight for this relationship and I want to be with Robert and give him a good life and make sure that he knows that he’s loved and wanted, because he’s all that and all the above. I just don’t know what I’m worth, I don’t even know who I am any more, besides the better choice. I’m just scared that I’ll never believe that he’s still in love with me and wants to be with me because it’s the right choice. I want to believe that’s how he feels. I have to, to be honest. It’s not fair to him having me doubt his gestures, no matter how wonderful they are.

I’m going to keep trying to hold on. I don’t know how much longer I have though. When there is another woman out there that loves the person you love, that was given a love she wants and probably rightfully deserves more than I, even though she did what she did with a “married man”, I have no reason to be here any more. Not even the child that was supposed to start fitting this puzzle of a life together can make me feel like it’s all good again. I’m tired. I’m not special. I am not loved first.

I’m just the better choice.

I love Robert very much and want to make sure that he knows that. I don’t have solid plans of going any where; I’m just waiting for him to leave because he’s going to be honest and say he doesn’t want to be with me because he wants to be with me. I hope that he’s just not here because of his fears. I don’t want that. No one wants to be settled for. I just hope that I can keep going and making this work.

One day I’ll stop thinking like this. That my inadequacy doesn’t matter because I’m worth more. One day I’ll realize that I am more than her and that one way or another I am not only the better choice, but I am loved more, I am cared for more, and that I am more.

One day those feelings will come. Dead or alive, those feelings will come to me.

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