Round and Red

Round and red

800mg all at once hoping to reduce the pain

My head feels like it’s being crushed under a semi truck

Dark and alone

I forget that I’m all alone until I look away from my computer

Then the loneliness sets in, the fear sets in, I realize I’m physically alone

How can this be life?

The pain is so much more than someone should endure

Mental, physical, emotional turmoil that is inconceivable

It is horrific

It reminds me of the day I got her

Little Koko, my Koko whom I’ve neglected so much lately 

I’ll hold her

She’s all I have right now for comfort

Nothing else can comfort me right now, light, noise everything HURTS

I’d rather be stabbed repeatedly 

I’d rather be tortured in various other ways, ways that most would never think of

Ways that most would never speak of I’d rather take than this

I feel guilt

My mind wont let up about what I’ve done

What I’ve ruined and who I’ve harmed

I worry

About who I’ve made sick and I feel for them

I internalize it all the time everything I’ve caused them

It never ends 

The constant loop of worry about them even though they don’t know

I worry all the time about their well being, I wish I could express it differently than I do

Why this why me

I cling to my stuffed animal and weep crying to God for help

I beg and plead for the suffering to let up, I ask for forgiveness for my sins

Fear overcomes me still

I look to my right at a wall full of pictures I’ve drawn

It makes me cry more, I destroyed something beautiful

This was meant to happen

I was meant to endure this part alone it makes sense I wouldn’t want him to see me this way

Not again, not like this again because I know how much it hurts him inside to watch

I can feel his pain

Still I feel his pain even though a tie was said to be broken, it wasn’t or I wouldn’t feel it

His pain woke me up at 6am and I kept it to myself, it was my first thought

I heard it loud and clear

So loud and clear that I was worried he wasn’t still alive for some reason 

I was so worried I immediately called him and got scared when he didn’t answer

And I panicked

I had a panic attack accompanied by dry heaving immediately 

At the thought of something bad happening to him, I’m protective deep inside

I hate it

I hate seeing what this has done to him, I hate knowing I have brought him pain

I wonder all the time what if we met differently, would things be different or the same?

I wish 

That we were both healthy and could just enjoy hanging out

That things could’ve gone different and we could’ve taken time to know each other

I pray

For him every single night, every morning when I wake up, and throughout the day

He doesn’t know it but I pray for him more than anyone else, very seldom do I pray for myself

My love and appreciation

Goes deeper than any words could ever express, there aren’t any in any language

He will only know how much every little thing he has done means to me when this is over

I hope

That I make it through this, that I can be well again, that one day I can show him the truth

That one day he will know all his efforts were not in vain, I know he feels that when I try to give up

Words are silent

They don’t need to be spoken, I know he fears telling me so much but I already know it

What we have cannot be put into a box, it’s not able to be explained, it’s why I fight

The horrific pain

I endure it some days worse than others like right now I keep going because of his generosity today

When everything within me wants to give up worse than the other day when I tried so hard

But I will hold on

One more second, one more hour, one more day out of respect for him

I’ll lay here and suffer alone, in the dark, with my head squeezing and my body being electrocuted

It was meant to be

I was meant to endure tonight alone, I’d rather be held, squeezed tight, and comforted

But that wasn’t supposed to happen, instead it’s just me, Koko and God until one day it’s more.

 

 

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