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When Is It Too Much?

A year ago I could barely stand the sight of him… or myself. He represented all those demons stirring inside me that I desperately wanted to cast into exile. Every day we were trapped in the same, numb routine. I tried so hard to put my foot down. I really did. Too bad I was utterly failing myself, my dreams, and my convictions.

As the snow flew in a furious white blanket, blinding our eyes and freezing our exposed skin a different kind of storm raged through my mind. I love you, but this is too much. You are my destruction. I can never get better in this toxic stew.

Temperatures dropped. Glass shattered. So did my heart. The moment had been forced by his hand, not mine. I did what I had to do. I did it to save my own life. It was by far the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make. I didn’t even get the chance to say goodbye.

There was nothing to fall back on. I was on my own. No more could I invoke his name in my own self destruction. There was no one, but me. It was lonely at the bottom, but at least I could only rise. Surely I had sunk down as far as I could go.

Months went by and I realized just how much I missed him. It’s funny how the sun still shines even when you’re dieing on the inside. He’s always had my heart. Without him it didn’t beat quite the same any more. I couldn’t go on with the ghost of my past. Only eagerly inch forward and with increasing momentum I grew strong. 

Eventually we had to speak and we did. It was tense those first few times. We couldn’t even hold a conversation without ripping each other to pieces. That’s when I realized how much I’d hurt him and it was every bit as sour as he had made me feel. Pain the great equalizer, like birth, and like death. Neither of us can take back the past.

Baby steps became steady. I heard happiness and pride in his voice. Whether or not we would every be together again no longer mattered. We BOTH deserve happiness. I realized if we did want to try again, it’d have to be a whole new relationship. I could never bring up anything from the past to hold against him. More importantly I needed to forgive him.

Forgiveness, giving it was a rush. A huge weight lifted off me. I wouldn’t want every mistake I make or flaw I have recited to me over and over… so why hadn’t I held him to the same standard.

So when is too much enough… when you are no longer yourself. When your future is at stake. When you are being physically hurt. When is it not enough? When you are fortunate enough to have that rare partner who is willing to work with you every step of the way to climb from hell to heaven. 

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