I am at school and i am not anything.
I feel so fucking edgy and twitchy and nervous and always on the edge of crying and I don’t think mum or anyone or even me even understands what’s going on. this whole day has been an irritating mosquito colour and it’s only 10.30. I feel overly caffeinated and anxious WHY though?
I should be working but i am thinking about nothing except my own desperation wow isn’t that productive. what the fuck is going on INSIDE MY HEAD?
I just want to sleep all the time but now i’ve started having trouble sleeping or just getting no satisfaction from sleep. Actually i don’t get satisfaction from anything really and i can’t tell if i’m insatiable at the moment or just don’t have the capacity to be glad/satisfied about things anymore.
I don’t know… I always read about this exhausted emptiness being a sign of depression but i honestly just feel like a fake when i try and say it’s that because I’m not … well, i AM always tired but i just forget to notice it sometimes. and i don’t feel sad all the time, i sometimes feel happy and i don’t cry every day just most days and sometimes i try to make myself cry so that i don’t feel like a fake when i think to myself hey i’m depressed
so basically i can’t tell if i actually have depression or if the whole thing is just me faking the symptoms so i can take the diagnosis. wow this whole thing is fucked up. mum says i should give myself a break from stuff for a few days but i just feel like my whole last few weeks has been a break and that if i give myself MORE of a break i’m going to collapse into this big pile of goo and never do anything. never get up. i just want to sleep through the rest of my life. and i have a perpetual headache and my period is being weird and stressful.
also i have an obsession with watching clips on youtube about anorexia and that makes me never want to eat. so that’s bad because it’s been over a year since that bad thing happened. i don’t really know……………….. kind of want to die but kind of don’t want to hurt my social circle? I just wish i had never existed. And i can feel a pervasive blackness in my head that is pushing away anything positive that has been said to me. It’s forcing it’s darkness on me.
How can i spend 2 hours staring at the same person and another hour staring at a computer screen where is the joy in this life