blindfold

I am at school and i am not anything.

I feel so fucking edgy and twitchy and nervous and always on the edge of crying and I don’t think mum or anyone or even me even understands what’s going on. this whole day has been an irritating mosquito colour and it’s only 10.30. I feel overly caffeinated and anxious WHY though?

I should be working but i am thinking about nothing  except my own desperation wow isn’t that productive. what the fuck is going on INSIDE MY HEAD?

I just want to sleep all the time but now i’ve started having trouble sleeping or just getting no satisfaction from sleep. Actually i don’t get satisfaction from anything really and i can’t tell if i’m insatiable at the moment or just don’t have the capacity to be glad/satisfied about things anymore.

I don’t know… I always read about this exhausted emptiness being a sign of depression but i honestly just feel like a fake when i try and say it’s that because I’m not … well, i AM always tired but i just forget to notice it sometimes.  and i don’t feel sad all the time, i sometimes feel happy and i don’t cry every day just most days and sometimes i try to make myself cry so that i don’t feel like a fake when i think to myself hey i’m depressed

so basically i can’t tell if i actually have depression or if the whole thing is just me faking the symptoms so i can take the diagnosis. wow this whole thing is fucked up. mum says i should give myself a break from stuff for a few days but i just feel like my whole last few weeks has been a break  and that if i give myself MORE of a break i’m going to collapse into this big pile of goo and never do anything. never get up. i just want to sleep through the rest of my life. and i have a perpetual headache and my period is being weird and stressful.

also i have an obsession with watching clips on youtube about anorexia and that makes me never want to eat. so that’s bad because it’s been over a year since that bad thing happened. i don’t really know……………….. kind of want to die but kind of don’t want to hurt my social circle? I just wish i had never existed. And i can feel a pervasive blackness in my head that is pushing away anything positive that has been said to me. It’s forcing it’s darkness on me.

How can i spend 2 hours staring at the same person and another hour staring at a computer screen where is the joy in this life

4 thoughts on “blindfold”

  1. Hey Hun, you really give things alot of thought and you care too much about everything and everyone, and that’s ok but take it easy a little. For you to feel all these emotions there must be a clear reason, and you needa give yourself some time to figure out what is it, its clear it’s impacting on you alot and messing with your head… Sometimes we fake things to make ourselves feel better but you shouldn’t do that because really there’s no point and leads to nothing, take each day as it comes and forget about the last, think about things that make you happy, instead of watching those youtube videos watch movies or something that will make you laugh, and as much as you can keep a strong relationship with your mum – tell her everything you feel and I’m sure she’ll be there for you always, honestly I think you feel this way because you over think and expect to much from life so as I said just take it slow and let things happen at their own time, your a strong human and you seem smart don’t let this eat you up cos either way the outcome is your going to be happy/better in the end so just be that now. Feel free to talk to me anytime.

    Lots of love x
    Arze

  2. I want to let you know that a lot of what you’ve written sounds so much like what I’ve thought before.

    Don’t worry too much about whether you’re diagnosed with depression or not. Personally, I think it’s just a label. If you feel like you just want to talk to someone but don’t want to tell your family/friends what you’re feeling, consider seeing a therapist. Even if you don’t have depression or anything diagnosable, just talking to someone can help (sometimes…be careful because some therapists can be quite judgmental). Otherwise, see if you can talk to a friend who might be able to understand (though those can be hard to come by sometimes).

    I think it would be better to avoid reading or watching videos about anorexia? I’ve never had an eating disorder before, but I’ve done the same thing, and it definitely wasn’t good for me. I started daydreaming about what it would be like to be anorexic, ate less, and just ended up feeling tired and moody all the time.

    I’ve been having my own problems recently and a friend told me that we never really know whether what we’re doing is the right thing and that eventually time will help us figure things out. I guess this is obvious advice, but it still really helped to have this friend tell me this.

    I guess I’ve been rambling, but I just want to tell you that people care about you. Good luck, okay?

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