Brokenness, is this your identity?

When you break up, no one ever says that it’s going to be an easy process, but no one says that it would be an all consuming issue, but maybe that’s just from the stand point of someone who doesn’t walk away. 

I’m beginning to really hate who I am, in the sense that I continue to be hurt by the one person that I would never hurt and he sits there and acts numb to the pain that I am feeling. The most frustrating part? I am turning into who I despised… The females that let some guy, some man that could not see their worth and allow them to destroy their identity, and their feelings of self. That is me. I am this pathetic, miserable, lost, woman who is confused in every aspect of life. This girl who thought she knew what life was going to offer her, with the man of her dreams by her side. But now, this same girl can barely get out of bed in the morning. Not that her bed is doing anything for her as she tosses and turns in sleep, closing her eyes to only be reminded once again of the love that she has lost, to continue to see and feel pain in the moments that are supposed to provide peace to her. She can’t eat, as she looks at food as something that will cause destruction. If maybe she wouldn’t have eaten that extra slice of pizza she would have been skinny enough for him, right? If maybe she would have just ran that extra mile instead of giving up he would have known her drive to be enough for him, right? She can’t focus as every thought eventually finds itself veering back to him, pathetic, she knows. But why can’t she move forward? Why can’t she learn that not all love is meant to last, this love could be a stepping stone, right? WRONG. 

The minute she chooses to take a step forward, he is there to push her back. He reminds her of her mistakes; choosing to drown her sorrows in alcohol, and a night of mistakes that she can’t take back. He looks at her, brittle and smaller then ever before and ridicules her lack of an appetite. He sees and hears of her declining academic focus and interest and questions who she is. How dare he, you ask? How dare you shatter and break the one person that would never leave you, never hurt you, and never walk away when things get difficult. Day in and day out. But then, he shines a light, a simmer of hope appears. Or so she thinks. He comes back, desiring help and then looks into her eyes and says “I still love you. I miss you. I want you back.” The minute her guard is down, it’s back to “I don’t know what to do anymore.” But in the midst of her vulnerability he offers that physical satisfaction. Laying next to her in bed he touches her leg like the many times before, she looks into his eyes and whispers “If you love me, kiss me,” because that’s how it goes in the movies and the fairytales of the world. He begins kissing her, making her butterflies reappear, her feelings of being incomplete diminish, and then, they have sex. He kisses her during the intercourse like he had never before, reassuring her of the safety that she once could feel in his arms. For a split second she feels whole again, she feels like this has determined the relationships healing process. But as he finishes, he walks away. He all of a sudden is done, like the conversations of “I love you, I miss you, I want you,” were all things to woo her back. 

And he puts his pants on, and leaves. He walks away. He walks away. He fucking walks away. And the pieces of the puzzle that he temporarily put back together, fall of again, as the earthquake of thought shatters her inner being. She lays in bed, confused, shaking and more broken then before. 

But you know what hurts the most, is that she knew this was going to happen… She isn’t oblivious or stupid or worthless, she is lost. She looks for answers at the bottom of {multiple} bottles. She looks for fulfillment in others, but mostly the man who couldn’t see her worth, right? The truth is, this girl is me, and she doesn’t know how to do life anymore. I’m not saying that I am suicidal or like in danger, but I know that I am in danger of losing hope. The one thing that should always be there. I put my entirety {and still do} into this man, who tells me he “loves” me, and then continues to say “I don’t know what I want to do…” What could I have done to deserve you walking away? To deserve you choosing her over me? You took someone who had their life planned, you walked in and shone a light on that reality & created a new reality, then you shit on it and left me weak and broken. 

I don’t know what to do anymore. I am lost, I am confused, I want to run. Run to a place where pain doesn’t exist. Where boys are men, and love is something that battles the hardships. Where a man will give me his all, and love me like I were going to die the next day. The reality of the situation is, that man is probably out there, but I am too broken to see that now, and will probably be this way for a long time. Because I am not a runner, I choose to fight, fight until there is nothing left to fight, and that is where I feel I am now. I keep finding ways to speak to him, keep finding ways to be like “I AM HERE. I LOVE YOU AND I NEED YOU.” Because no I am not weak or pathetic or naive, but I am broken. I am so broken, and I don’t know how to heal. It’s a new tide everyday, with the same trash. One step forward, five steps backward…Healed, broken, shattered, damaged. Now what. 

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