Grief…how do I ever start? I want to write about it…I want to remember how I felt day to day but then I never get around to writing and when I do I don’t know how to articulate it.
I know the other night lying in bed so very sad I felt like I was drowning in the sorrow. However most days…most of the time I am getting by pretty well. I mean as well as before I suppose; although there are certainly many dysfunctional areas of my life!
I haven’t gone round the bend like I did with dad; although a party of me would like to. When dad died I cried like crazy every day for six months or more. I went off anti-depressants and somehow felt it was necessary to feel all the pain. Not a good thing.
This time…well I’m older and wiser. I’ve been through so much since then. And a lot of it I went through with mom. I saw her in relative good health a decade ago when I moved home and I was with her there the stages until she was so sick. I can see that she is not suffering. I suppose my greatest inspiration in trying to deal with this is mom herself. I have certainly seen her cry. And I’ve seen her get emotional particularly these last few years. But mom suffered plenty of losses in her lifetime and she always soldiered through. When dad died she said it was his time and she bucked up. She knew that the living must go on living. And so I guess that’s her legacy to us and that is what I am trying to do. I’m trying to honor her by mourning her in a private way…by acknowledging that I loved her so very much. And yet my public face soldiers on. Just like mom.