The edge of understanding

Song: Today I don’t have to fall apart. I don’t have to let the damage consume me. Fear by Blue October

Daily Chore: NOT TAKING OUT THE GARBAGE CUZ I SUCK. (Cleaned up bathroom)

It’s not like I never understood or I am allowing this to take over my life. It’s just how I feel and how my mind is trying to process the situation that I am currently in. I honestly do feel inadequate and I honestly do feel myself getting lower and lower into the ground. Those are my feelings, and as mean and hateful and hurtful as they sound, they are honest and I have to let someone know about them.

I know that I’m not a great person. I know that I am in no way paticular or special out of the rest. What was done has shown me that I am not at all really that special enough to not hurt, though I should have already known that. I have a feeling that I must of done something to piss someone off, because I just can’t seem to get a calm year under my belt. I just don’t understand why these sorts of things happen to me. Then again, my problems are not all that new nor are they one of kind, everyone has gone through something similiar.

Again, I’m trying, while being honest and frank with myself.

Yesterday I bought paints to start on Avalynn’s changing table. I spent money that I shouldn’t have and I feel terrible, teerrriiibbblly guilty for doing that. Rob doesn’t like it when I spend money on unecessary things, and I feel extremely guilty for doing so. I know I’ve explained to him about our money situation and that I would never put us in a sitatuion to where we couldn’t pay bills or put food on the table. I’m really careful about the things I buy. I think that’s why I haven’t suggested about wanting to start a few classes at the local college. They’re not real college courses or anything like that, but I’d get back into crafts. There’s a beading class that sounds pretty awesome and then there’s a beginning painters class that I wouldn’t mind doing. But they cost money, and money is something we have to be careful with.

I just think me doing something for my daughter will be theraputic. We both need this because I have to prepare for her arrival whether I want it or not. It’s not fair to her that I feel this way and it’s not safe to be so casual with how I feel about not wanting to have her at all in my life because I’m terrified that I won’t be a good mother. There was a moment that I thought I wanted children, that I wanted to be a good mother, but my attitude has been shaken and … I don’t know if I want any children after her. Who knows. Things are changing every day! I know that I certainly am, no matter how grey and forlorn my writing is. 

I don’t know what Rob can do to make me feel any more comfortable with our relationship. What more can I ask of him? He’s still here, even though I think a good chunk of his decision was due to his fear that I’ll hurt myself if he were to leave. He has put in great effort to show me that he still loves me, but he did that while he was still with her. He says that I don’t have to change and that I did nothing wrong, but how can I feel completely comfortable and special and uinque when he still did what he did? How can I be great and wonderful when he is still missing and wanting another woman, a woman that involved herself with a married man? Yes, these are the same thoughts of yesterday, but they’re the thoughts that haunt me the most.

He doesn’t want to lose me and I don’t want to lose him. I also don’t want us to suffer because I can’t just accept and move on. I’ve been trying and doing rather well, because at the end of the day he’s still with me and he has shown me that he wants to be with me. What more can I ask of him? I don’t want him to change, but I do want him to change. I guess that was a mistake on my end for telling him that.

I feel uncomfortable having sex with him because I’m wondering if he’s thinking of her. Then I get scared that if I don’t have sex with him he’s going to take his fustrations to her and it’ll start all over again. I get nervous when he talks jokingly about another woman and her appearance. I’m trying to find my confidence somewhere around here to be okay with the fact that Rob is going to do what he has to to make himself feel better. I don’t want to whine or complain because I don’t want him to feel like I’m pushing him away. I’m not, I’m drawing him in closer. It is extremely difficult for me to be so open with him when our nerves are still raw.

I just don’t know how to tell him that I’m still not comfortable without coming off sounding like I haven’t appreciated and acknowledged his immense strength to try and keep us together. I don’t know what to do to show him that I need reassurance, even though I don’t know what else he can do to show me that I am again in the limelight and no longer second. I don’t know what answers to give him because I don’t even know what they are. I’ve been happy. I can genuinely say that and smile, so that makes it worse when I want to talk about my unhappiness. I don’t want him to think that everything he’s done has been wasted effort. I’m a selfish human being, I’m completely aware of that. 

I want Avalynn and I want our family. I want many things. But what’s the use of getting excited for any of this if it’s just going to blow up in my face again? I’ve had my feeling thrown back at me time and time again, and I know that I’m not going to be able to handle the disappointment of being used once more.

I just want to be happy. I just want to have a good life. I want my efforts to actually shine through and not be abused.

And I want Rob to be happy, even if it’s not with me. If he can’t handle the consequences of his actions, then he shouldn’t of did what he did. He knows that he’ll have to take care of Avalynn if I’m unable to take care of myself and her. He will have to figure out how, because that is one of various consequences of his actions. He may have to deal with my ultimate suicide because his actions prompted that final thread to snap – that sound down right dirty. I don’t want to die and I don’t want to be a horrible wife and mother, but I don’t want to be a liar. I’ve had too many lies in my life thus far, I don’t want to be a factor to any of that.

I don’t know if I’ll be able to handle him leaving. I’ll never take Avalynn away from him because he deserves to at least be a father, if he doesn’t want to be a husband. Now if he does realize that he doesn’t want to be with me, I think I’ll be more comfortable with my life. I honestly think that I might be more settled and less fearful. I might. I know I can be those things with him being with me and the family we’ve wanted for however long. 

Maybe it’s because we have gone back to the usual, because seriously, with us being together for so long it’s hard to break routine. I just don’t know how to figure out that he really wants to be with me because he truly loves me and is still in love with me. And because he still did what he did while me being me, me giving him what I could, and just in general trying to be a good wife, it is seriously making it hard for me to believe that he still wants to be with me. That’s a hill I just can’t get over, and it’s wearing me thin.

Everything is there right in front of me. He loves me, else he wouldn’t be here with me. He wants to be here, else he’d go to her where life could be like 101% less stressful. He’s trying his hardest to do what he thinks he needs to do to keep us together. That’s a whole lot of effort from someone, and that should be enough for me to finally start being comfortable again in our relationship. I just got comfortable. I built up my confidence around someone I thought I could trust. I was just hit a little too hard and now I’m wondering about my worth, if I really want to have more kids, if I even want to continue to dream about a family that I’ve felt is no longer worth keeping, if I can really believe that he wants to be with me without doubting myself.

I just really want to find that confidence I had. I worked so hard to get it

It’s that confident part of me that makes me rethink everything that I have written down in this random journal. I reread everything and what I’ve said scares me. I know that I am not this person, that I can actually be that confident person without Rob and I can change my situation if I just keep moving forward. I’m just completely tired of picking up the pieces of myself time and time again. Some times you just get too damn tired to keep going. 

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