The drive to who I am today

Recently all I have wanted is to happy. It’s probably easiest for me to tell you my current situation; I’m living alone in a lovely flat, in the village of shirehampton in Bristol. I used to live in taunton, Somerset, but I moved to Bristol (UK) purely just for a completely new start. 


Ha, that’s going well.


my current situation is that I’m an addict. I’m addicted to ketamine. I’ll get my hands on it when I have the money and I’ll have it with a drink of Malibu and Coke or just when I’m having a bad day. Matter of the fact is, I’m abusing it and I’m writing this to you now in the state of mind of a comedown. Ketamine makes me feel alive, it gets rid of my numbness… It makes me happy. It takes me out of the world where I feel useless. I feel like I have no one, people treat me like I am no one. I don’t have a purpose, I no longer have a back bone and I’m no longer the same person that I used to be. 


I realise that something needs to change. However, I enjoy it too much. I think that because of what I enjoy in my life (raves, drugs and feeling on top of the world) I don’t want to stop. But I have to stop. I will stop. 


So, let’s go to my past. I had a good upbringing, no serious traumatic moments or anything like that. I did well in school, did good in my exams and pretty much knew what I was heading for in the future. I wanted money, that was my main focus. With that, I dropped out after a year at college and went on to do an apprenticeship. After that, I went on to do a really good and interesting job in communications. Now… this was when things started to go wrong. This was when I was introduced to the wrong people, introduced to Cocaine and introduced to the new me.


I was a lovely girl, I was shy yet a complete weirdo (in a good way) if you knew me. I cant say that I’m a complete saint with lads and stuff because I’m not. But i guess that will reflect on another story I have to yet tell. This is the thing with all of this, I don’t know where to start, I don’t know how to explain it all and make it clear to you. So I’m just gonna have to chuck it all out there so bare with me.


Where was I… ah yes my job. I let my job go… it wasn’t for me any more and there were many other problems brewing. I was jobless for about a month before i got another job… shock i let that slip too. At this point, I was living in a flat share with a girl who was a party animal at times – no help to me  at all. All of this drove to my move to bristol… I got sacked and I got left homeless. And there comes my decision to fuck off and leave. Of course, you might be thinking how the hell did she do this, she would have needed money, needed support… Well, there comes in my rationality. I rushed it and I cannot deny the rush of it. I took off to Bris so quickly I didn’t think about the consequences. It cost me a lot of money on my credit cards (as did all my partying all nighters – yes this took a very big hit)


I thought it would fix everything, but I was running away from my problems and not facing them. In my eyes, I was moving to Bristol to sort myself out and for my job (which I had got a new one in the process of moving and yes I lovesssss it!); little did I know that in my head I was still a drug addict who was going to still find that escape.


And here I am today. My work have given me a lovely flat which is being renovated and its fab! I love it… my own little pad!… Yet here I am, alone, still.


I think the best place for me to kick off about telling you who I am today is to go from losing my best friends and making friends with the wrong ones. Until then 🙂

2 thoughts on “The drive to who I am today”

  1. Interesting. I can relate to this actually. I do know that the drug becomes the most important thing, and everything, and everyone, will take a backseat to it.
    Yet you don’t want to be that sober person, because that sober person kind of just sucks. Once you’ve felt that high, you don’t want to let it go…. Ever.

  2. I agree with you. It’s a really tricky situation to put yourself in, but there’s swings and roundabouts to it. I’m sure that these days I’ve lost little bits about me that I miss because of the lifestyle that I’ve been lead into. Shit happens though…

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