A different emotion

Song: It’s like a giant in my heart babe. This love is greater than my heartbreak. Giant in my heart by Kiesza

Daily Chore: Laaauunnndry

It was a pretty good day today. Just had to work about five hours, making it super nice to be able to get home at a decent time. I’ve been working on Avalynn’s changing table, giving me something to look forward to when I get home and it’s kind of lifted me to a significant level of happiness.

I’ve been really working hard on my thinking the last few days, making me extremely happy that I am pulling myself out of this weird little rut that I have put myself in. With a clear head and a bit of a lighter heart, It’s getting easier for me to be able to face a few of the reoccurring thoughts that have been taking little pieces of me whenever they appear. I dwell on things, making them about a thousand times worse and unreasonable then they need to be. Because that’s how awesome my brain is.

So, here is a list of the silliest and the most ridiculous things that have gone through my mind since the discovery of Rob’s infidelity:

Rob only wants to open up another bank account so he can buy Kayla and Luna things without me noticing.

I don’t … I don’t even know. I started thinking about that later on after he suggested separating our bank accounts. At first I was rational, totally seeing how that could be beneficial in the long run and it’s something we’ve talked about on and off for awhile. The only issue I had, or still have with it, is I’m the bill payer and that would totally screw up my system of billy paying. And then I turned around to disrespect him by thinking that. How cruel of me. No matter how bad he hurt me, it gives me no damn right to be so nasty.

Robert is only with me because he’s scared that something bad will happen if he leaves me.

I am going to be thinking about this for awhile, I know that, but I’m not going to let it dilute all his hard work trying to make our relationship work. It’s the hate I have for him and her that’s pouring itself into my thinking. I hate the situation that has put strain onto a relationship that was once upon a time, working. I do need to know though if he’s going through all this to only appeal to my feelings. He needs to be happy too, damn it. I am gathering the courage to ask him and be firm. I need to be courageous.

I’m just the right choice.

Well, yeah. I’m turning a very obvious statement into a hurtful premonition of my life. I’m the right choice for various reasons because we’ve been together for nearly seven years and have established a pretty good flow. I’m sure with enough hard work and all that jazz, they could possibly establish a good relationship, but it wouldn’t be the same. Leaving me would mean leaving that comfortable part of his life, and hurting and destroying something we thought we could have for the rest of our lives. There’s a huge difference between loving someone and being in love with them. Yeah, I’m the right choice, I’m the more reasonable choice, but I can’t let that be such a huge negative. He picked me … I can’t let him regret that choice.

I am way more than just the right choice. I am not worthless.

I don’t want Avalynn.

I do want my child. I’ve wanted her for a very long time, it’s just the horrible hurt and hole that’s inside my heart that’s making it extremely hard to accept that I’m about to be a mother. I don’t think I can mentally be a good mother to a child that doesn’t deserve to have someone that doesn’t want to bring her into this world because I am unable to care for her. If I wasn’t pregnant, this whole situation might of been easier. I would of been able to leave Rob without the fearful burden of taking care of a child by myself. I could do it. I know I could do it because somewhere underneath all the debris of my destruction, there is a solid foundation. I want her. I want her so bad. It’s just the things attached to my hurt that have affected her arrival; wish it didn’t have to be that way. My guilt and fear are making me uncertain. That’s not fair.

I want to commit suicide.

I do. I really, really, really want to end the constant inconsistencies in my head. I have my highs and I have my lows, which completely destroy the highs. I want to be happy and I want to be able to be excited about the every day things around me without the fear and regret attached to everything. I know it can be a thing because I do it often enough – this whole being happy thing and smiling and being genuine about it all. I’d be destroying myself, my child, and Robert. I’m selfish enough to end my suffering just so I don’t have to acknowledge theirs or go through the steps of assessing my problems. My exhaustion of the problems in my life have worn me down to nothing, and I’m on that edge of just not wanting to live. I’m so close. I could do it. But I won’t, I refuse to be that silly enough to do such a thing. I have strength. I known I do.

He’s still in contact with her and is lying to me about it.

Whenever there is a pause in our lives, I think that he is taking that time to text or call her. Especially now that he is gone, I think that he is talking to her and texting to her, then deleting the calls and texts. That’s me, again, shitting on his efforts. He told me that he would tell me when she calls and texts, and if he has been in contact with her. I know he’s going to get frustrated with me and all that because I’ll ask if he has talked to her or not. I know that I can’t remove her from his thoughts, I can’t stop him from thinking about her, but I can at least show him the importance of him being with me and why it would be extremely detrimental to all his hard work if he were to contact her. There is only so much forgiveness inside me.

I don’t want Rob to change.

So, I think this is where my jealousy and rage and just in general hurt really comes to a high point. I do want him to change. I hate when he’s lewd. I hate how he talks about sex, and I hate it when he throws the attractiveness of another woman in my face. I know that it’s just me being sensitive and it’s just me being completely vulnerable due to the new happenings in our life. I never stopped being attracted to Rob. Not. Once. I love him and being intimate with him is a wonderful thing. But previously spoken about, I couldn’t accept his advances due to the fact that there was another woman in his life and it further degraded my appreciation of the relationship we had. It made me feel disgusting, repulsive even, just knowing that he was involved with another woman – emotionally. Why did he want to have sex with me? Was it because I was the closest person there and because Kayla was a state over? I couldn’t have sex with him because he didn’t make me feel attractive, especially with him thinking of another woman. Then there is a mixture of hormones due to pregnancy that have pretty much made my libido a strange thing, even to me.

And then there’s just the whole making me feel special. Does Rob still get jealous of me getting hit on? Is he afraid that I’ll find someone that will treat me better? Am I, again, just a convenient object to him that he doesn’t feel much for me? He was willing to be in a relationship with another woman, who has a child, a child he may end of raising depending on my strength to keep this relationship going. He was willing to hurt me even though he knew what he was doing. He was blind to my emotions and my hurt.

I want him to really love me. I want him to be romantic with me. I want him to plan things. I want him to be attracted to me. I want to feel pretty and wanted. I want him to … just do something out of the ordinary. I want him to break out of his shell and just do something for me, with me. I feel that is the sort of relationship he and Kayla had. He gave her many things that I wanted, like his undivided attention, his devotion, his absolute love. I want that.

I want him to be different, but at the same time I want him to be comfortable and proud of his actions. I want him to buy me jewelry, even though he hates it. I want him to buy me things, even though that is not like him. I want him to actually treat me like a woman, not like one of the ladies in the porno that he has taken a liking to. I want him to actually listen to me and find the strength to be honest with me and himself. I want him to not be afraid. We can’t be afraid.

I have weird, reoccurring thoughts. And I’m doing my damnest to be strong enough to understand that I am worth living, Rob’s attention, and my child’s love. I can do this.


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