A dead relative of mine has a memorial service today but I am not going. I had intended to go but I have too many sensations of anxiety and my heart issue. And knowing this person was very well known I am sure there will be hundreds there. He was a minister and helped a lot of people. I am worried that people will think badly of me for not going. I mean some people have many reasons for not going. I DID go to a memorial service for another person last summer. He was well known also but probably not as much as this one.
My anxiety is just too high and the emotional state of the people, the occasion just makes it worse. I was not very close to the relative at all. He was nice. Not bad. It really has nothing to do with that though. I bet everybody thought I was close but to be honest, I did not know him well though I saw him often and in passing. I wasn’t even sure of his age until today. I didn’t know the year he was born even.
I am very sorry he was sick and passed away. He was up in age and got cancer. It took him down fast. But I can’t deal with all this. I can barely stand my own stresses and loads. it’s hard to carry the loads of others though to some point according to religious standards we do. But the one who carries our burdens ultimately, is Jesus. Lovers of God need him. Not trying to preach. Just saying what’s on my mind.
I have missed a lot of events in my life because I simply could not tolerate my anxiety and fears. If it means missing a funeral or memorial service, I blame it. I should not blame myself. I have good intentions. I just never know how I will feel from one day to the next. I may lose out but that is not my problem. I wish I could abolish this evil anxiety and stress. I had rather be a crippled person in a wheelchair with my mind in tact. Loyal to as much as possible, obligations, etc.