Logic. I need more of it. Or a fucking mute button on my feelings and heart.
I ditched everyone. I had friends all around me, many since childhood and I found I just didnt like them anymore. I care about them, I love them…but my ideals, interests, and hobbies are so different from theirs…and when gossiping is the #1 thing to do…fuck. I just felt my heart turning more sour and heavy with every convo. So I had to step away.
My English friends, why do we have to live so far away from each other? Those people…I could spend all my time with. I am in love with all of them. Esp 4 in particular. They feel right. They feel like home. But I see them once a year. it is what I look forward to most.
So now, here…in the states…I have ditched my circle of friends and I find myself isolated. Work long fuckin hours (by choice) and shy away from invites. Strange that this is what I have become. I went from outgoing to more reserved to social loner to straight up loner. It is scary to admit, but..I like it. Tho sometimes I miss people. And I can still have fun in a social setting, I just choose to not be a part of that setting so much these days. I like playing around on my keyboard and accordion, reading books…day dreaming. I love to dream.
Tonight my homies in the UK are all together at an event, sending me pics and I wish more than anything I was with them. Sometimes I wonder if they love me as much as I love them? I know one does for sure. I think they do. It sure seems mutual.
Headphones on. Head on the pillow with eyes closed and lose myself in the music. Beats headphones are killer, I gotta say. brings music to fuckin life. I surrender myself to it when I feel sad. I am rambling. Time to go.