Proud of myself and Seeing the need for a bittersweet change

I recently went on a trip out of town to an event that once upon a time I would have totally backed out of going.  It was a short weekend trip and the first time I left my toddler for more than 24 hours at a time – which was a HUGE step for me.  

A few months ago I found a book by Brian Weiss and got hooked – he fell into Past Life Regresesion therapy more than 25 years ago.  His book was shedding light on things that for me personally, just made sense. 

I’ve had high anxiety, worry and fears in life that have no bearing on my life experiences.  My life, for the most part, has been pretty “normal” – imperfect suburban family, sometimes OK financially, sometimes not, had friends, had bullies, but nothing traumatic happening.  

Anyway, I got hooked on his book and got more.  I did get to a point where I had to put the books down because the messages were so heavy I had to take a break.  But basically, in a nutshell, (read his books if you want to learn more), our soul is infinite and we have many life experiences and more than likely those important folks in our life, we have met before and will meet again.  

We may carry past feelings, grudges, hopes, fears, and lessons or experiences from past life no different than our childhood feelings affect us in this life time.  Which for me, explains why I’ve had irrational fears about random things that I’ve never experienced.  

It was interesting to attend the conference.  I met more than a few friends at the conference, got to visit with other friends in Atlanta, learned how to navigate the MARTA train system, and felt a lot of calm and contentness.  Which for someone with anxiety, is a big deal. 

I returned home and for less than 24 hours and then packed up with my family and we went to FL to visit other family and friends.  Now, I’ve had a lot of anxiety around flying and traveling in general which only gets worse when I travel with my son.  Oy.  

This time, however, I had no butterflies in my stomach.  In the past when my stomach, upon landing, would have been in knots and gassy, was now comfortable and functioning normally.  

Also, the normal stress of being in close quarters with other family and feeling socially awkward, and getting really easily agitated, I was clam and relaxed.  I was able to just chat with people more easily and not worry as much.  I didn’t feel as guilty or question myself for my interactions.  Sure, there are still some relations with others that I’m still figuring out but overall it was a huge improvement.  My husband noticed as well.

And then we flew home… wah wah wah.  

Upon arriving home, it was as though I entered this metaphysical cloud of gunk that just tanked all of my relaxed being.  For some backstory, I will tell you that I’ve grown up in Missouri, my husband was a transplant here, in fact so are my parents, but they settled here many years ago. 

My husband’s family is in Florida, and for many years he felt like he didn’t want to go back home.  Which I get, but he never settled into this area as feeling like home either.  And while I love being close to family and there are some familiarity, we have been dancing around moving for a long, long, long time.  

Money, season change vs no season change, job opportunities, yada yada yada, has been discussed.  We have hemmed and hawed, decided and changed our minds.  And we always come back to the same place.  We. Want. To. Move. 

I have family that will be completely devastated by the move since my son is the first grandson/nephew in the family.  And I get that.  But, we also have family if FL who is missing out on him growing up as well.  So there’s really no “fair” way to say one family is more or less deserving because in our case, that’s not even something up for debate.  

I’m dreading the guilt I’ll feel with my family having to say goodbye, I could cry just thinking of it.  I am dreading having to actually do the work to sell our house.  I am dreading the goodbye of the few friends I do have, and having to say goodbye to some of the amenities I have in the area.  I hate that this will be the ending of a big chapter of my life – holidays will be different, no cold Christmases, will I be able to handle the heat in the summer time?? 

But I am completely enticed by the feelings I had while being in FL.  Ya sure, I get I was on vacation and that has a lot to do with it.  But something felt right.  Something felt exciting. I felt free – free to really engage in this path of relaxed calmness.  Of embracing this new focus and mindset I’d been exposed too.  

I love the idea of being near the ocean, of being warm (I am cold all of the time).  I think I need to move away from my childhood hometown to continue growing.  We didn’t want to leave and come home when we did.  I love how different all of the houses look, the colors.  I got to see more of the area and liked different areas.  People, in the area, generally speaking, are happier, the tourists are super happy because they are on vacation.  And the locals are happy off season because they have their town back, haha.  

Now I’m sifting through this residual goo of having to tell my family the news, I’m pretty sure it’s heading this direction even though I am still feeling my innards cling for comfort and security and assumed safety by staying put.  I’m resisting and feeling the need to run, hide, eat, and burry my head in the sand, I mean, dirt.  

But I can’t help but realize that the need for a change has come.  It’s hard, it’s exciting, and it most definitely is bittersweet.  





Leave a Comment: