One more day

Song: You’re just another day that keeps me breathing. Hideaway by Kiesza

Daily Chore: NOOOOTTTHIIINNNGGG D< And it was great.

It’s a little hard to find the right time without feeling exceptionally guilty for putting so much emotional baggage on one person. There is unfortunately so much emotion inside of me, and very few people to talk to about the situation.

Yes, I have told a few people about the problems Rob and I have, but they are more like random bystanders, not people who have been really involved in our relationship. But if I tell those people, then that will throw Rob further under the bus and that’s not what I want. I don’t want to further expose him to the judgements of others. I don’t want to kick him while he’s down and I most certainly don’t want to make it as if he is a bad person in their eyes. What he did wasn’t good, but there are worse situations to face. I don’t want to bring any more attention to this problem then it is necessary, so I’m pretty much left to my own thoughts, and time to talk to Rob about what’s on my mind is rather thin when he’s on the road.

I’ve been more and more positive in my thinking due to my last word vomit. It has helped get those things out of my end and onto the screen, a place where I can read what I’ve wrote down with solid confidence. I can really see what my intentions are, and I get fairly excited to tell Rob, while also feeling some hesitation. I really don’t want to put this much information on him when he’s so preoccupied with work. It may not really affect him, but I still don’t want to be that spark that makes everything go up in flames. He needs to know what is on my mind because we promised to work on our communication. I’m taking the steps to make sure that I explain myself properly to give him a better understanding of what is on my mind and why. I just hate having these thoughts, when really not know what is on his mind.

He said before that if things have changed, he’d let me know, but talking about what was done is too much because he can’t handle my reactions.

I cry, easily. I don’t really like that part of myself, but it is who I am. I cry, I get super uncomfortable telling Rob what is on my mind because I don’t want to push him away, or make him feel pushed away. I get emotional and I don’t want to be so easily affected about what he has to say. Some days I feel like I can’t do it, that I can’t go back into a place of comfort, because he’s going to turn his back on me and leave me. Other days I feel like I could handle that reasonably well, and accept that we’re done. I love him and I’m still in love with him, so I would be lying if I said I wouldn’t hurt if he were to do that, but I just want him to be happy – with or without me.

I want to explain to him what’s been on my mind. Yeah, at first they may not be good things and he may be forced against a rock and a hard place, but he has to know because he deserves to know what I am thinking because I feel that will give him confidence and comfort about our situation. I want to explain to him that even though what I have to say may be scary and all that jazz, I feel like I’m getting somewhere with my feelings and my horrible depression. I don’t have much confidence, but I can feel it slowly coming forward, pushing me to confront Robert and be firm about what’s on my little brain. I know that I’ll fail the first time around because of my fears, but I’m not going to let it die.

I will find the way and the time to let him know what is on my mind. He will know what I have to say and hopefully be proud that I was able to really get to what has been playing through me. I’ll fudge things up and cry and make him feel like I’m just being emotional over nothing, when these thoughts are so much to me. I’ve been repetitive about our situation, except this time around I feel like I’ve made a rather good break through with how I’m feeling. I want to at least make him feel special and wanted by opening up to him. I want to tell him that I’m sorry about a thousand times over about me being completely ridiculous in the face of the truth and our problems. I want to tell him that I’m also extremely proud of his honesty and his slight changes.

It will be messy, mixed up, super difficult, and I’ll screw up a few things here and there when putting out my new feelings on things. It will be all that and much more, but this is my chance to kind of shine through and show him that I’m okay. I know I’ll be okay, with or without him. Now I can’t guarantee that I won’t suffer, I just know at the end of it all I’ll be healed. Hopefully he’ll talk to me too. I want him to open up on his feelings because he has to let me know. If there is nothing on his mind, then there is nothing on his mind. I just need him to know that it’s okay if I cry, if I hurt. I want us to get what we can out in the open, so I can struggle over it more and be ridiculous, while finding comfort in knowing that he is still being honest with me.

I am still hurting, and I’m sure he is as well. He has helped me with quelling that pain, I hope that I am also being a help to him.

I am still hurting, and I’m sure he is as well. He has helped me with quelling that pain, I hope that I am also being a help to him.

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