i feel like life is running away from me like we’re two little kids in the playground and i’m saying wait up wait up but life is just laughing and leaves me behind spitting in it’s dust whilst i grasp desperately for a sleeve or a hand to hang onto and be pulled along but there’s nothing to grab.

any sense i had of responsibility or obligation has twisted itself into something anxiety inducing and monstrous and any desire to flee from it has morphed into guilt and pressure. i feel like i’m being put under all this heat and pressure because people want me to become a diamond but it’s gonna be too much and i’m just going to turn into some weird black sludgy failed experiment

people around me don’t seem to really think about anything much. naomi does i can see it in her face that she’s considering everything but i don’t see any hint of that in so many people. they seem really apathetic or just ignorant and i was going to say detached but maybe that’s me? they’re attached, they’re wired in, they’re aware but I’M the detached one. maybe i just think im seeing with more clarity than them but really they’ve got it sorted that nothing really matters and i should just stop thinking so MUCH about everything but i can’t empty my goddamn head.

i wish i had the ability to just be bored and have my head completely vacant with nothing but a  vague sense of boredom but instead i’ve got a constant buzz like i’m both unsatisfied and have had ENOUGH.

One thought on “howl”

  1. It’s over thinking that bothers you. I think I’ve been where you are right now mentally, and the answer is no. They’re not dumb or disconnected. Everyone has a lot more to them than they let everyone see, and on some level, we can relate to anyone. It’s just you ideologically isolating yourself. You want someone to break that thick plaster of social norm and speak to you in a way that feels genuine. Of course, I’m assuming a lot and, if I’m wrong, I apologize, but bear with me. Anyone is capable of that. They just aren’t in this same place mentally as you. They aren’t looking for something like you are. I think that if you go up to someone and ask them about their life and really, actually give a shit about them, they’ll surprise you. Create your own excitement.
    I feel you on the frustration thing though, my man. As soon as you break out of that shell, you just find new boundaries to fixate on. Which is debatably a good thing.

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