A new beginning.

As beautiful as she stood, confident and remarkably calm, the part of her you cannot see, the mask she stands behind, she wept inside. Eventually letting go and allowing the demons she hid so well inside of her catch her when she fell and whisper things in her ears. How easy it would be to turn back to what always seemed to help herself. Drugs, cutting, screaming, throwing punches at walls, no matter the wood, or concrete bloodying her fists. So easy to turn over to them and fall asleep. Letting them take over. Because dealing with someone else inside of her, was so much easier than dealing with the real person without the mask on. Who will scream at a moments notice just like people whom have Tourette’s. Sometimes rage will take over my body to the point I throw things. I scream. And around twenty minutes later I realize how unbelievably foolish I must look and sound. I almost wish I had a camera on me sometimes because I don’t really know how bad it is. Until I make the people cry, whom I love and adore more than any on the earth. It’s almost like there’s an internal struggle. Like many different people/demons/whatever they are, I feel them, but I don’t see them. I feel them around me, and that’s when I become numb. Such a feeling as going to the dentist and having Novocain. You can’t stop it. But it’s so bizarre you hear the words coming out of your mouth. But you feel like you are not saying them. It’s tragic. I don’t want to I never have wanted to hurt anyone. My struggles are my own because I created them. I never visited my grandmother who was less than 5 miles away because I was an addict. For the record and this is very important. I have never shot up drugs. I have never done heroin. Meth? Never. My D.O.C was pain medication. And that was because when I was 23 I got a blood clot in my lung and my gall bladder removed. Which introduced me to pain medication. Last time I had felt anything was when I was 16, when I smoked marijuana and it gave me seizures and hallucinations. The hallucination I had, was of me standing in the mirror behind me. Like a twin. Shaking her head like you did this. I did. No one made me do it. But I didn’t do it again. Then 23 I had pain medicine. Which will ruin you. Your family. Your friends. Everyone around you. But allow me to be clear. In that cloud, I in all honesty did not know that I was hurting anyone. I mean, when I went to rehab and fully woke up and saw what I had done to my family and friends it caused me to have to look at what was actually going on around me. Hell, I truthfully from the bottom of my soul only care about myself. I missed years with my grandmas because of what I had been putting in my body. And it tortures me everyday. I pray every single day that those in Heaven whom I have let down hear my prayers. The heartache they felt, I pray that I feel it. The hurt I caused my parents. I can’t talk about my parents without completely losing it, curled up on the floor ashamed. I can’t fix the past. But I’m working on the future. But sometimes when I talk to them, or even other people, I snap. I scream, I say things that are so cruel. So mean. And I swear, I don’t even realize what is coming out of my mouth. So truthfully, if someone is going ballistic it may be a demon possessing their souls. Because the way I speak to people I care about it is not me. I’m ashamed. I feel like allowing the devil to pull my feet down to meet him because I can be so cruel. I don’t mean to be. I love my family. My parents more than anything in the world. They have been the only people my whole life whom have backed me up, through everything, without a second thought. I owe them so much. Especially getting better, staying better, and moving people to realize that you can escape hell. You have to crawl out of the shell you once were and really have some one or some thing. It may be yourself. Don’t torture yourself. Because that’s when you hurt others the most. It may seem like a lonely life, with a great haze in front of you that keeps you from seeing the truth. But when you make it through that haze the world jumps out at you and colors you have never noticed are brighter, smells are sharper, and people are beautiful. Not in a vain way. But in a way that instead of how they look, you notice how much they care. That’s what matters. You can’t do it alone, in my opinion. You have to have people around you that you want to make proud. That is how I forgave myself. I have the validation of my family and friends that I am doing the right thing. And what a tragedy to just throw it all away in front of them and turn into a monster again. I will not allow that to happen. I’m just getting started. This is the beginning. I will be an exceptional human being. For myself, and for everyone else. God kept me here for a reason. Time and time again he has saved my life, and I am meant for great things. And I’m patient enough to find out what they are.

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