Before I Sleep

Every night I avoid it

The emptiness that haunts my whole being

After years of feeling comforted by someone else’s presence

I now sleep alone

Every night I swallow medications I don’t want to take

But I have to take them because if I don’t I won’t sleep

Sometimes they help me avoid this feeling of being alone

The fear of being possible prey to anyone if they broke in

I wouldn’t even know it

Every night I turn off the lights, I turn on the tv and I struggle to find comfort

I struggle to find peace so I can sleep

I pray to God for as long as it takes to get me there

And I dream the most beautiful dreams

Where I am healthy and living my life

Only to awaken to darkness even though it’s light outside

Every night I know I will wake up and I will be alone as well

And I don’t know when the next time I will see another human being is

I never know what the next day will entail, physically, emotionally, mentally

I just know that the comfort of someone else stops so much of this

I wish I had someone to hold me as I fell asleep

So I could feel safe and secure

Someone that would dry my tears, calm every single fear I have and tell me

“It’s going to be alright”

Every noise I hear as I drift off jolts me wide awake

I become paralyzed for a few seconds, I panic and have to deep breathe

I hope that one day I won’t be alone anymore

That one day someone will love me enough to stay

Someone will love me for who I am unconditionally even with this disease

And they will hold me, and cherish me, and respect me

They will tell me how beautiful I am, how much I mean to them

How much they love me

And I will drift off into a blissful slumber and not wake up in solitude

Every night all of this goes through my head

As I cry myself to sleep 


One thought on “Before I Sleep”

  1. You definitely will find someone who will love u till the end.
    I relate what you feel. But believe me waiting it’s worth wairing :)))

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