Feeling like a failure. Letter to husband

 There is not a day that goes by that I don’t wish I had your drive. I envy, respect, and appreciate how much you do. I searched for ways, medicine, vitamins to help me think more like you. I have even searched for medical reasons of why I don’t think like you. I often feel inferior to you bc I fail every time I try to “match” you. Most of the time when u hear ab spouses it’s the other way around and the wife does so much. I can only dream ab how “perfect” our life would be if I could be “that” woman. I try and try but I just can’t. Maybe it’s genetic, maybe mom has always tried, and continues to try but she too just can’t be “that” woman. She just have enough money to hide it, by just paying for people to do those things. I even think ab how she “crashes” and then relate it to if I try really hard for a few days in a row I feel so exhausted and wore out that I have to detach for a bit..
Sometimes when u talk ab wayne being lazy I fear you view me in the same way. Which isn’t entirely inaccurate. No, I don’t think I’m as bad as wayne, but I fear that you think I’m lazy just like him. I want u to know, for whatever it’s worth, I AM TRyING! I don’t know why my brain doesn’t work like yours and it DRiVES me nuts!! Gah, u really have no idea how bad it drives me crazy!! U will do something, and then I will think “why the hell didn’t I think of that, why couldn’t I do that, why didn’t I do that” but it’s like my brain never registered it as an option to do.
Maybe this is why God put us together? Maybe this dynamic is just another piece of why we are so good together.. I don’t know..
What I do know is I love you! I love how you love me and the kids. I love how thoughtful you are, and I love how ur brain works. If it ever crosses ur mind that the things to do go unnoticed or unappreciated–please, know that is NOT true! If it ever crosses ur Mind that I expect these things out of you or I take advantage of you-please, know that is NOT true! You deserve a wife that is on top of everything, on time, always remembers important things, keeps a clean house, ect. And I’m so sorry I fail at more than I succeed! Even to yesterday when u asked me ab the medicine. I think that even played a part in me being so emotional, I was so mad at myself for forgetting. I wanted to remember! I wanted to get it for you! I said I would get it for you! Why, couldn’t I fucking remember??? It was important!! It made me feel like total shit when I realized I had forgotten. Gah, please just don’t take my absent mindedness, disorganized mess as a sign that you are not important or that I don’t care.. Bc I do.. I really really do! I want to be that woman for u! I want to be that mom for the kids! I love you!!

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