Lena

I’m in pain. Let’s see if this works. I can’t sleep when I’m in pain. I can’t really do much. Music helps a lot. I wanted to try writing. Any form of expression. If I could go outside and sing at the top of my lungs I would. I can’t remember the last time I actually thought I was sane. Completely sane. I have an inner bitch, and she’s much more impatient and horrible than before. Lena. She comes out when I don’t want her to. But if I wanted her to it would be really bad. Because I want to get mad sometimes and just go off on anyone around, but see this happens to people that I don’t want to hurt. She hurts others, which hurts me. Bitch. I don’t want to be this person. I try to reign her in. But she has her own mind. I say things without thinking and that can hurt others. I don’t want to. It happens though. She seems like she came too late. Like when I was a kid and couldn’t stand up for myself anymore because I was tortured beyond belief. I was bullied. So I think she just stayed around until I was an adult and decided to come out now. At 32 years old. I’ve been in fights before. But I’ve never had thoughts that terrified me. Like hurting myself. I don’t like that. It’s a biting tongue. It’s someone who is not me. But it comes out my mouth so I have to be somewhat held accountable. I believe in God. I believe in the devil. I believe in angels. And I believe in demons. SO, I feel like I have a demon. (Not seriously, I’m not crazy.) Or maybe I am and this whole life is something I am not even experiencing. That’s how I feel sometimes. Like I’m outside my body. I can’t feel my hands. I wave them around but they don’t make sense. I used to get really terrible migraines. With this my hands and my nose weirdly enough would be come numb too. My nose. It was like a warning system. And sometimes I passed out. Embarrassing. I digress, this other person that comes over me is ruthless. My favorite person in the world is my mom and this person comes over me and is ugly and horrible and has this biting tongue that could slash metal. I don’t like it. I try to push people away when I feel like this. I don’t want to hurt anyone. But then I hurt myself. I’m ashamed. My leg has seen some slashes the last couple days. But it releases something. There is a method to my madness. It helps. But then the scars don’t go away because I am really pale. I can’t make the bitch, Lena, shut up. No matter what I do. So as soon as I am better from my surgery…  AS SOON AS…. I am going to start using the punching bag to get out my aggression because I know it will help. Hitting things help. But I don’t have a punching bag that I can make magically appear so I have to find other ways to deal. I’m supposed to be in anger management. Cool, I’ll do that, that’s fine. I have to say again, I’m not crazy. But someone does come over me at the worst times. When I’m in pain. When someone I love is being offended or hurt. I want to be free of this. I feel a lot better as far as my depression goes. Finally found a doctor to change my medicine. And it saved my life no doubt because I was giving myself 6 months to get better. And then I was going to be done. So thankfully, I made it. God wants me here. I don’t know why. I had a pulmonary embolism and didn’t even know I had it without having gall stones. Miracle. I overdosed. I lived. Miracle. I went through hell to get through rehab and I lived. Miracle. I haven’t gone back to that hell. Miracle. If I wanted to don’t get me wrong I could call at least 5 people in my phone and get pretty much anything. But I don’t and I won’t. Because my parents and family don’t deserve it. But now I have this huge bitch coming out that wants to destroy everything in my path and I try to stop her. But she has her own tongue. Pain is subsiding a little. Not as concentrated on it. Trying to breathe deep and think positive thoughts. Thinking about doing something nice for my parents. Maybe be an outstanding daughter and not mess up so much. But I did quit drinking soda, last time was Sunday. I am hardly using my vape. And the only reason I am taking pain meds right now is because I am in pain. God knows, he sees me squirming down here, and he hears my prayers. But I would rather he answer the parents who are praying for their children rather than mine. Because really all I’m doing is being annoying. So music and writing. It’s helping. I’m so focused on what I’m saying I’m ignoring the pain. So small victories, no matter small…. I’ll take em.

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