A certain someone(s)

 Everyday I find my thoughts wandering over to you. Your quick wit and humor have completely enchanted me. You are so kind too. So sweet and thoughtful.

Both of us, completely and totally unavailable. Life is so fucking weird. How are we supposed to deny our feelings or magnetism to other humans? Monogamy is not natural. I think it is ridiculous if I am being honest. That being said, I hate being alone. And if you choose to be monogamous and devote yourself to one person for the rest of your life, fine, cool I can respect that…but I feel like we are pressured, molded and urged to do that. Why? I suppose its easier for me to say or feel that way, not wanting to have children. I think. (More on that at another time) But why do we have to settle down with one person and build that life? Why cant we be free to love who we want? There are so many people in this world, and chemistry happens. It is hard to deny. I just think I suck at being 100 percent devoted to one man. I might be for a while…a good long while…or maybe a short time, but every time, someone comes along and I am so tempted to try it. Does that make me a piece of shit? Am I total asshole? I know I am not the only one who feels this way. All this being said, I am not pro cheating. I think if you are that sorely tempted then you should call off your current situation and then do what ya need to do. Easier said than done, I am sure. Being sneaky and shady is hurtful to the other person. And while I may live in a quiet fantasy-land in my head, I think that is safer and better than actually cheating. Some may disagree, but I dont care. I would rather fantasize and enjoy that scene and that torture then act on it and hurt the person I am with. Basically, maybe being single and keeping your options open is the for sure way to go. I dont fucking know. All I know is that I am in a very committed relationship with a very awesome dude that I love very much but I also cannot stop thinking about the other guy. I havent acted on it. I wont either and I highly doubt the other dude will either. But we both feel it, we both know. It is  there and it is impossible to deny. Wont act on it tho. I fuckin wish I could.  Oh good lord I wish I could. But because I think that and feel that, regardless of keeping it to myself and never acting on it…if I were to admit it or make that shit known, I would be viewed so negatively. Oh god people would think I was a worthless pile. Maybe I am? I do not know anymore. Maybe I am a mild hedonist. Life is for living isnt it? My desires are huge.  A teapot quietly ascending into a rolling boil.  

“If I cant love you as a lover, I will love you as a friend.”


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