Deployment at Home

I spent my whole life dreaming of the perfect guy. He’d be handsome and smart and funny and love me for who I was. I found him. Oh boy did I find him. Almost as fast as the United States Navy did. Since we met,he had his heart set on the Navy. When he talked about it, his eyes would light up and he was so happy. At first I was happy too. Seeing him that way made me feel all warm inside. Then it started to get real. He would go to meetings every couple weeks. He would do drills, and serve however he was told to. The perfect sailor. Then he’d come home. We’d laugh and watch movies and be silly. He would do anything to make me happy. The perfect guy. He talked about how he would move up in rank and go to the school of his dreams and how he’d get to see the world. I was happy to listen, till I realized, I wasn’t in this life plan. I eventually would just stare and nod as he excitedly talked about what it would be like living at sea. I slowly started to get angry and frustrated. One day, he came home from a meeting, seeing me on the couch sobbing. I told him how I knew he would forget about me and how I’d be here alone, wallowing. He didn’t say much except for that this was his life and he was going to do it. That pushed me too far. We argued for an hour about the whole situation. I couldn’t possibly be a military wife. Once, the hurdle of emotions had been passed over, we went back to normal. Then it came. The deployment date. He was excited. I was devastated. I smiled still and held it together. That night I called my sister crying, barely breathing. She was calm and steady sounding. I was broken and she was going to put be back together. But, she didn’t. She told me that I was strong and that if I was just going to cry for the rest of my life, to just delete her number. It hurt to hear but she was right. I was strong, I just didn’t know how to find the strength because he had always been my strength and now he was leaving. 

A week. A week was how long I had to say goodbye. I didn’t want to. I wanted to grab him and never let go. The thought of locking him away did skip through my mind, but I kept gritting my teeth and smiling. As each day inched along, I felt his mood change from excited to nervous to sad then nothing. I had never realized that he was scared and worried as much as I was. We talked it out the night before that whatever were to happen, I am to keep going on. I just laid up all night snuggling into him and he drifted in and out of dreamland. When we woke up that morning, it was if nothing was happening. Then we got to the car. His family was so happy for him. I just smiled meekly and kept quiet. Three hour drive there was filled with questions. How is this and how is that and how are doing? I wanted to abandon ship. Once we arrived, I couldn’t hold myself together. I crumbled into a ball and cried into his chest. He said don’t worry and that he will miss me everyday and he will send his love every night and that I shouldn’t worry because if he was good enough to keep me safe then the middle east was a piece of cake. I laughed a little and kissed him goodbye as I watched him walk away. There goes my perfect guy, about to go be the perfect sailor.

          It has been not too long since he left and I realized that I truly am okay. At first, I didn’t feel anything, just numb. Once I woke up the next day, it hit me. What was i going to do? Then I got a message from my sister saying, Be your own strength and be your own perfect sailor till he comes home. So, I did. Don’t get me wrong, I miss him everyday, but knowing that I’m strong enough to keep going just gives me a little boost. This may sound dumb but, I do the things he would do. I bought someone else’s dinner and folded the laundry the “right” way. It seems dumb and completely weird but, knowing a piece of him is in my everyday routine, makes this hurt less. Just know, if you’re going through this that it WILL be okay and you can cry all day and you can scream,yell, break shit, whatever, but know you are never alone and you do have strength in you. Don’t ever forget that.

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