Fallen Down The Rabbit Hole.

So, I bet you’re all wondering, “Who is this person and what brings them here?”. Well, let’s just say that writing this all by hand is really exhausting when you have a lot going on up in your mind that you feel so desperately to put down on paper, or even in a, metaphorically speaking, “magic internet diary for-everyone-to-see”. But that’s okay with me because on here I’m staying strictly anonymous. C’mon now, I can’t risk the fact of anyone other than my family possibly finding out anything about this, right? Anyway’s I’m rambling.

I have Dysthymia (sometimes severe depression at times) and Generalized Anxiety Disorder with a side of Eating Disorder-ish tendencies. Now, lets get one thing straight, I did not order this. Someone in the mental health restaurant just brought this to me and said “Here you go. Have a taste of this new dish!”

I know what you’re thinking, that what I just said was completely and totally lame. Yes, I know. It was meant to be that way, duh.

For as long as I can remember I’ve always been sad. I’ve always had anxiety but I never knew it was anxiety. I didn’t know what it was to be completely honest.

The past 4 and a half years have been the most difficult times of my life, yet. I’ve been depressed, restrictive, and anxious all at once! I would just like a round of applause because that’s a new record for me. Not a good record, but something I’ve accomplished in my life and somehow that almost makes me feel proud.

So lets fast-forward to right now… My anxiety and depression are a lot better than they were 3 weeks ago and I underwent a huge change in my life. I stopped going to school and cut out someone who was a big part in my life. Keep in mind that I am a sophomore in high school so I didn’t really quit school all together, just public school. I’m doing online school now. And as for that person I cut out of my life? She was my best friend, the best one I’ve ever had actually. Long story short, I had to divorce this friend. We had a big falling out and I was having a panic attack and she told me to get out of her house if I was going to be mean to her. It apparently was mean of me to be having a completely random and uncontrollable panic attack while I was in her presence. So I cut her out, told her never to speak to me again. And that was the last time I spoke to her again.

Now, I’ve never been one for drugs before, but that same weekend, I had downed a bottle of cough syrup. Yeah, I know. Stupid, right? Well I did it and I can’t change it. I really can’t change that I downed it with my Zoloft. The next 3 days were a non-stop, horrible trip/panic attack. I wanted to kill myself. I laid in the bathroom floor yelling at my parents that I wanted to die and to take me to the hospital. It was a pretty scary time for me.

So, the next Monday I didn’t go to school, and my parents called my therapist to get me in as soon as possible. Of course, they never found out I downed a bottle of cough syrup, and they still don’t know about it. When I saw my therapist, I told her I was never going back to school because my anxiety was literally so bad I was afraid of being seen by other students. And this has always been a problem for me, just never this bad.

Another long story short, my mom called the school and asked if I could do online school through their program and they agreed, saying I needed a doctor’s note reading my anxiety was the reason I couldn’t go to school. They approved the note and now I’m here where I am right now.

I still am not happy. But I’m not suicidal or afraid of everything. I got prescribed Trazedone  for my sleepless nights of anxiety dreams and waking up crying because of a depression related dream I had. So, tell me why even though everything is working out for me, I am STILL NOT HAPPY.  I still have minutes where I stress too much over little things and it keeps me up. Tell me why I still have bad thoughts that I can’t get out of my head. Tell me why even though I’m not sad or suicidal, why I’m not extremely happy. I’m not mad, sad, extremely depressed, I’m just here. And I do feel “happy” sometimes. I guess that’s why I’m here. To try and figure it all out.

Leave a Reply