It’s complicated, I guess

When a thought comes into my head and I know it’s irrational but still carry through with it, am I still delusional? When someone asks me a question and I know there is a truth and a lie, why do I still lie? Even if the truth wouldn’t do anything, I can’t help it because I’m afraid of it? I don’t even trust myself to remember things. I’m afraid of driving because I don’t trust myself with my life or another person’s. I have to constantly reassure myself that I won’t make a mistake and that I’m doing the right thing. Failure is a fear of mine. If I fail, I won’t go anywhere in life. I want to say that my goal is to be happy, I really do, but no one remembers you if you’re just happy. You have to have success along with it. That’s where it gets funny. I don’t want to die as a nobody, I want to be remembered for something and yet at the same time I don’t want to draw any attention to myself. It’s complicated.


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