Ususally, my first journal entry is a little about me. Tonight however, its not. Tonight it is a string of thoughts that i’m going to attempt to put together in a professional, non-confrontational letter like thing…. alright, its a journal entry. For real, I might get a little tangenty….
I believe that you cannot control the actions of another person. However, I believe that parents can, no, are encouraged to, reprimand childrens behavior that is deemed inappropriate, even if that child is a grown adult. If you see your child being purposefully mean spirited, if they go so far as to post it on your own facebook wall, then its time to take that child aside and tell them that their actions/words/ whatever is intolerable and needs to cease. If you don’t, you look like, well, a bad parent.
Along this same line, I need to learn to not let this kind of thing bother me. “Push buttons” is what I think we deemed them. And they’re pushed; feelings get hurt, hurt broods anger, anger leads to the dark side. I’m so much better than the dark side. But on nights like tonight, the dark side takes over, and I want to rip into everyone I see. I want to become Godzilla on a perfectly acceptable relationship between someone whom I love dearly….. all because she can’t/ won’t step up to the plate and deflect that baseball hurling at my heart. I get angry that I’m constantly attacked, perpetually belittled, publicly made to feel like I am nothing, and she sees it! It’s plain as day, on her own Facebook posts. Yet, if I were to defend myself, I would be the one told to stop. It’s a hot button. And it is constantly pushed.
It will be ok. I just need to get my armor on. I need to try to toughen up this bruise. But any time I do, another baseball comes hurling my way. And I watch for that swing, but all I see is a miss. All I hear is a whoosh as the air is knocked from my lungs, and all I feel is the blinding pain, the betrayal, yet understanding and love for the person that stepped aside, which is why I will never swing at that baseball. Instead, I try to catch it, but not before it’s already made contact. I need to learn to catch it before it hits…. but my catching ability has never been all that awesome, Lets be real!
I love you mom, I just wish you stepped up to the plate sometimes, especially when I bring them to your attention….