I’m confused. There was an episode of The Office where a character finds out he’s being cheated on. I turn to my boyfriend and basically say, “You know how you can know I would never cheat on you? Because I believe in God and I believe that cheating is a sin. And I love you and would never do something like that to you.” He smiled, but his response was, “I believe you, but when you say things like that it makes me wonder.” Speechless. I wanted to cry. Tears almost formed in my eyes but I fought them back because I have nothing to hide. He could pick up my phone at any time and look through it. He could look through my facebook and he would find nothing. He has rolled over now and gone to sleep, I know it’s late. But when he did he said, “Are you going to let me sleep now?” I’m confused. I’m a little hurt. And I’m trying to figure out why. Is he mad at me? Does he now not trust me? The fan is running and it’s blowing my hair around, and my eyes are watering but I don’t know if it’s the fan or if I’m crying. I’m a little numb. Am I overreacting? I’m sad. I trust him. He is my everything. Whenever I see or hear something funny I immediately want to share it with him. When I find something I think he would love, I buy it for him or do something for him. I try. Really hard. I know I’m a great girlfriend. There’s no disputing that. I used to get really angry. I had a hard time with some things. I recently had a surgery that would improve our lives. In a private way. Not anything like plastic surgery. To be honest I am unable to have kids. And I know deep down he wants them. But he assures me he loves me and that that doesn’t matter. I always say that I’m petrified of bears. I mean, seriously scared of bears. But my biggest fear, is that he would leave me to be with someone who can have children. It keeps me up at night. This man is my soul mate. I love him with everything I have. But people change their minds, and I’m afraid he’ll change his. The bear thing may be funny. But it’s really not meant to be. I joke around and make stupid jokes but when it comes to my relationship I make no jokes. I’m doing everything I can to better my life, so that I can be better for him. Lately though, it feels like he’s slipping away a little. Sometimes not as affectionate. I have to initiate contact first sometimes. But then sometimes he’s amazing. Most of the time he’s amazing. My heart hurts. I know he loves me. We’ve been through a lot. For this man, I would throw my phone in the ocean if it meant he would trust me with all his heart. I’m trying to make my life better. And he’s a huge part of it. I don’t know if he’ll ever really trust me. I trust him. I trust he wouldn’t be with another woman. But there’s other things I don’t trust. That I can’t talk about because it’s a sore spot for both of us. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to do.

2 thoughts on “Trust”

  1. Honestly, he’s probably just being irritable. Sometimes I lash out at people I don’t have anything against in little ways. I wish I didn’t, but it’s only makes me feel more irritated to apologize for it or explain myself. So sometimes it slips out. You’re probably over- analyzing and he’s just going through a rough time.

  2. Thank you, you’re right. I do overanalyze and I worry way too much about things I shouldn’t be worried about. Thank you for the comment.

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