Self-forgiveness.  I need a lot of that right now. I am mentally scolding myself like a child who has been very naughty.

After four months successfully watching and cleaning up my diet, I have gone off the rails. For the past week I have eaten mindlessly. Not thinking about anything I put in my mouth. It’s been cookies, pizza, chocolate, peanut butter, tortilla chips – all to excess. Prior to this week of gluttony I lost nearly 13 lbs. I feel healthier. I have more energy. I run better. Clothes I haven’t worn in months fit me again. All great things! In just a week’s time I managed to put back about 5 of those 13 lbs. Let’s call it a vacation and move on. I haven’t completely destroyed all my hard work. Not at all.

I forgive myself.

After putting L on the back burner for a time, I have “taken the bait” and engaged in volley of sexually explicit emails with him. What can I say? Its just very, very thrilling to think of being with him. A very thrilling fantasy. And that’s all it is. A fantasy. And what is the cost? The theft of my attention from my kids and husband and work. Why did I allow it again? That would be the more important question. Validation? Yes, validation. Ego? Yes, ego. One of my favorite authors turned “ego” into an acronym for “edge god out”. And that is exactly what we do when we think from ego instead of from “spirit” (or “God” or “divine creator” – whatever your religious leaning may be). So, it is my ego that needs to be validated that I am attractive, sexy, desirable.  I’ve said it so many times before. Clearly the message has not fully been accepted. It will be. I am exactly what I should be. Here and now.   

I forgive myself.

Self love. In the end, it all comes down to love. I have not loved myself enough lately. I seek love outside of myself when it is inside myself that I should be looking. I can’t be loved in the way I want to be loved – by my husband, my kids or anyone – until I love myself the same way.

I forgive myself.

I love myself.


Leave a Comment: