I have had a whirlwind of time these last few weeks as my husband and I have been on the emotional roller coaster of big life decisions. Particularly moving out of state, in which case we’d be closer to his family but further from mine.
I have some hardship with leaving my family (as in siblings and parents) because well I just do. My excuse around it being that they can’t handle it if we left – which they could. They’d be sad, yes, but they’d handle it.
I realized yesterday, in the midst of sitting and crying the shower, feeling completely torn about what to do, that maybe, just maybe, it wasn’t about them and their hold over me limiting my options. Maybe it is about me.
So, it hit me then. How much I take on the responsibility of others to be happy, how much I feel obligated to appease everyone else even at the sake of my husband’s needs/wants as well as my own, which is still hard to say, that my wants and needs matter, because I still feel as though my needs should matter less because I’ll be OK if I make those sacrifices, but they won’t be OK if we go.
I have a bad habit of putting myself or others into victim roles and looking at it through sad glasses of worse case scenario and this puts me not at all at liberty to enjoy or experience anything for myself fully because my needs and wants become clouded by others.
Co-dependency isn’t always a bad thing. Sometimes it is just what it is. But in this instance, I was putting my husband through an emotional loop de loop ride all for my siblings needs and that’s just not OK. Not when the situation could really be turned around in many positive means. Visits to a new town, relocation to be closer to us (I say because one of my siblings is convinced she will do just that.)
It’s hard for me because any time I get happy about moving, quickly I feel guilty because I’m being selfish and hurting my family. And to say I’m doing this for just my husband makes me feel as though I’m directing everyone else’s misgivings to him and that’s not right either — especially when I’m excited for the move and the experience to try something different.
So now starts a new chapter in my life of ending my enabling habits around my family. Here starts a time to develop healthy boundaries for myself with my family and returning the support my husband has given to me and continues to give to me all of the time. Here is a time to blossom and grow into the next chapter of myself and my life.
I was emotionally drained yesterday when a lot of this came to fruition with the force of mack truck. But I’m also thankful. Thankful for the growing pains. To develop, learn, grow, and become more at peace with my own life so my son can begin to do the same in his and continue to do so as he grows.