Its never good when I start journaling. 

Writing it is the only way I can relieve myself of my own thoughts and feelings because I spend the majority of my life pretending to be a good person. The fact is that by nature, I am a dark and unloveable person. If you met me, you would probably like me but that is only because I am unintentionally a master of manipulation. We’d keep topics surrounding myself light and airy. You know, “on the surface” type stuff. I’d be quick to steer the conversation in your direction by asking you a lot of questions. I’d be interested to know everything about you in order to gain your trust! I’d pry into your thoughts and feelings, likely get you to open up to me about your latest struggle. I’d study you. Take notes. Compare your life to mine. Use your situations to gain better insight regarding my own. I’d do everything possible to grasp a better understanding of this mess that is my life and at the end of our journey (whether it be a single meeting over coffee or a life-long friendship), I’d still be lost. You see, thats the way it has been for me for as long as I can remember. 

Say “hello” because its polite. Smile because its so much prettier than a frown. Pray for them.Pray for yourself. Don’t talk family matters with others because its none of their damn business. You don’t need therapy. Don’t cry because it makes you ugly. Don’t be friends with them, they’re not good enough. Don’t date him because he isn’t the right race and it doesn’t “look” good. Go to college or you’re a deadbeat. Save your money because its the responsible thing to do. Don’t have sex until you’re married because it will devalue you. Always look your best because you never know who you’ll run into. Remember how blessed you are to be so beautiful. Don’t quit your job even if you hate it. 

The list goes on forever and you cannot imagine how exhausting it was to muster up those phrases and memories. The bottom line is that I hate myself. Truly, from the bottom of my heart, HATE myself and I haven’t a clue how to fix it. 

3 thoughts on “Scattered”

  1. I don’t really understand why you would hate yourself babe, everyone compares their life to others and that’s perfectly normal especially for people like yourself… I sometimes look at my friends family and think to myself why can’t my family be like them no drama and no fighting everyday. The important thing is that you don’t make the person feel like your using them just to get answers of them, talk to them as a friend, let out your emotions to them and don’t be afraid to ask for advice.

    All those pharses and morals there all part of life and there really not that exhausting, your thinking to hard and all that’s in your head is “I gotta follow these, I can’t fuck up” etc… it’s ok to make mistakes because you learn from them, just take each day as it comes, each situation as it happens, these phrases and morals actually help you and they keep you heading on the right path, look maybe with you its different and you do find it challenging but it will get easier with time!

    Please don’t hate yourself, me telling you not too and I may not understand, don’t be afraid of the world, stand up straight and take control of your life, be happy and smile even if it’s hard, go out and buy yourself a new outfit, take a holiday, take the thought of “i hate myself” out of your head and put in “I love myself, I can do this”.

    Have a little read of this:

    Take care of yourself gorgeous and talk to me if your ever feeling down. I’m here for you. Arze x

  2. Listen to arze…she’s got it right sweetheart! We all do this. None of us are perfect. You don’t know what’s going on in all the rest of the little dark heads around you! Can be exhausting because it’s a balancing act. Some of the advice is sound…some of it is bunk. And truth told its okay to break the rules sometimes…quite the job, eat the cheesecake etc. You just gotta do what’s right for you. My sense is that you are actually a very GOOD person who is too hard on herself. Now go eat that cheesecakd for me okay?

  3. Thanks guys! I think I have a lot more explaining to do, perhaps in future posts. 😛
    That entry was pretty all over the place but hopefully this site will serve as my outlet and help me put myself together! Until then, thanks again. 🙂

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