Its never good when I start journaling.
Writing it is the only way I can relieve myself of my own thoughts and feelings because I spend the majority of my life pretending to be a good person. The fact is that by nature, I am a dark and unloveable person. If you met me, you would probably like me but that is only because I am unintentionally a master of manipulation. We’d keep topics surrounding myself light and airy. You know, “on the surface” type stuff. I’d be quick to steer the conversation in your direction by asking you a lot of questions. I’d be interested to know everything about you in order to gain your trust! I’d pry into your thoughts and feelings, likely get you to open up to me about your latest struggle. I’d study you. Take notes. Compare your life to mine. Use your situations to gain better insight regarding my own. I’d do everything possible to grasp a better understanding of this mess that is my life and at the end of our journey (whether it be a single meeting over coffee or a life-long friendship), I’d still be lost. You see, thats the way it has been for me for as long as I can remember.
Say “hello” because its polite. Smile because its so much prettier than a frown. Pray for them.Pray for yourself. Don’t talk family matters with others because its none of their damn business. You don’t need therapy. Don’t cry because it makes you ugly. Don’t be friends with them, they’re not good enough. Don’t date him because he isn’t the right race and it doesn’t “look” good. Go to college or you’re a deadbeat. Save your money because its the responsible thing to do. Don’t have sex until you’re married because it will devalue you. Always look your best because you never know who you’ll run into. Remember how blessed you are to be so beautiful. Don’t quit your job even if you hate it.
The list goes on forever and you cannot imagine how exhausting it was to muster up those phrases and memories. The bottom line is that I hate myself. Truly, from the bottom of my heart, HATE myself and I haven’t a clue how to fix it.