Tuesday – Phone rang and it was nutritionist.  My feelings are totally normal.  Whatever normal is.  Gave some suggestions.  I do appreciate them.  I sat on the loveseat in the bedroom with my feet on the bed while I talked to her and looked down at my bare legs and what I saw shocked me.  Some of you may relate.  Ever visit someone is a nursing home and the staff comes in and takes the sheets off their legs just for a moment.  You can’t help but notice the terribly thin boney sticks just lying there against the white background.  They couldn’t possibly hold up much of anything let alone a body.  This weakness my friends immediately came to my mind as I looked at my own legs.  Weak.   My legs looked like they belonged in that bed.  The husband is naming foods.  PLEASE do NOT even say the name of any food.  Causes me to gag.  The desk by my bed is gaining quite a collection of foods missing 1 or 2 bites.  Wasting food is such a sin.  I just can’t help it.  Grapes helped me get through the night last night.  That and having my head where my feet should be and vice versa.  Plan on going to work tomorrow.  First stop blood test.  It is supposed to be warm.  Maybe I’ll pull out the capris though I don’t think they have a belt loop.  Need a place for the keys.  Oh well.  We’ll see.   Buddy is being bad.  Chewed hole in drywall.  Misses his master.  Has a thing with cardboard.  It sort of scares him.  Maybe associates it with previous owner.  The husband took him out and he did everything but what he was supposed to do.  He is settled down NOW.   Pup O was  the same way and almost went to pound.  He is the best dog ever now.   Buddy will be too.  He is still a puppy so don’t yell at him.  Makes me sad.


Wednesday. 7:54 am.  Slept most of the night.   Blood test then work.  3 days in bed and I’m TIRED.  Like I ran a marathon.  No I don’t think so.  They are high on endorphins when they are done and I can’t get high on anything.  Hell I can’t even get low.  God– I don’t like this club.  If I don’t pay my dues can I unjoin?   Angela, I think I made a mistake on that schedule.  I just don’t know.  I don’t KNOW HOW TO HANDLE THIS.  This time off shit.  Help me GOD.  Tears.  I hope today isn’t hard or too hard.  Decided maybe I should date these.  I type in word and c/p to journal.  Yea that’s how I do it. 




2 thoughts on “MY JOURNEY WITH THE big c”

  1. God bless you. It must be so very difficult. I know what you mean about not being able to even hear foods named. But I only had anorexia, not cancer. I will pray for you, would that be all right with you? I hope you will be completely well soon.

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