Giving birth …to myself

Really I know.  It’s a broken record.  Here is the deal – I’ve done a lot of growing and changing over the last ten-fifteen years.  But my family has been constant.  I moved away a little bit and came back home.  I stayed home and never really worried about leaving again even though it wasn’t really my favorite place in the world, it is home. 

Now, I’m remarried, have an awesome family (husband/son), am on the way to making my dream of self-employment a reality – woot woot!  And that’s all great!  I’m so excited for it.  

But there are so many hurdles I have to overcome with moving.  Yes, I know I can visit often.  I know I can talk, write, Skype, etc.  I know my parents are even thinking of relocating in their retirement — but I can’t allow myself to move on the denial premise of my entire family is going to come with because I doubt that will happen.  But it’s a really nice idea. 

There are soooo many reasons I know this move will be good for me.  There are soooo many reasons I want to stay right where I am and not do anything different, rock the boat, or make a change.  

I’ve got baggage.  No doubt about it.  I’m not ashamed of that.  It’s called life.  I’m standing in the middle of all my baggage and working hard to clean through the mess.   

It’s hard – this big change.  Will it be forever, or will we move back one day.  Will it be the best thing ever or not so great?  Who is to say… I don’t really know.  

All I know is I keep thinking of all the things in life that are hard but worth it.  The risk taking, the comfort zone stretching.  Giving birth to my son and experiencing post partum depression.  Hard.  Scary.  Complete suckfest (post partum that is).  But it’s worth it.  For every moment I began to heal, for every laugh, cry, sleepless night, tender moment, hug hello, it was and is worth it.  

I realized – I’m giving birth to myself.  The next chapter in my life journey.  I kind of do believe in this reincarnation thing so I know I’ll get more chances to continue learning and seeing those I want to see – so this life right now can be what it is.  Another chance to learn and grow into myself even more.  Which doesn’t happen when we stay in the same place no matter how comfortable. 

There’s a difference between joyous and good and healthy vs comfortable.  I’ve been comfortable, sitting back, not speaking up for what I want.  A big part of this challenge for me is admitting to my family that yes, while I love you all, this is not where I want to be right now.  There’s this pull, this tug, this desire that is calling me to go even though I’m scared shitless by it as well. 

But I can’t help but think, what if I come out of this healthier and stronger and happier than ever?  What if I thrive, sure may have a few bumps in the road…but what if in the end I’m resillient and the best version of myself and I can give all of that greatness to my son and show him sometimes it’s tough but it doesn’t mean it’s not worth it.  

I mean worse case scenario is we go – we see- we come back.  Doneski.  

The last and only other time I left home – well – I was one unhappy person.  So I’m sure part of me feels that weight lurking around.  And my Mom – I don’t like not being around my Mom for holidays and birthdays and get togethers.  That is hard.  

Oy – well I’m done for now I think.  At least for today.  Growing pains continue… 

One thought on “Giving birth …to myself”

  1. Trust in your gut and if it doesn’t work out well you tried and that’s better then not trying and never knowing.
    1. live forever with regret or,
    2. Fail and live for five minutes of disappointment and then move on to the next big thing

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