So I don’t know if any of you can tell, but I’m super introverted.
I mean, you can probably tell because, honestly, what extrovert writes long dithering journal entries on obscure journaling websites all day? Who are we kidding here.
But anyway, I’m going to label myself an introvert, simply because I’m not the sort of person who loves being in the spotlight and is boisterously good fun and is into all that cheery extroverty stuff. I like people–I love people, most of the time, when I’ve had enough sleep and I don’t have a billion homework assignments to do and nothing embarrassing has happened in the last forty-eight hours–but I’m also terrified of people. Like, REALLY TERRIFIED. People are so scary to be around, especially new people…I have been “the new girl” at school three times in my life already (actually maybe three and a half). I’m going to be “the new girl” again in a few months, when I move to Texas. And if you have never experienced being in a new school with absolutely no friends!! I hope you never have to. Because it is hard.
I mean, I guess an extrovert–or at least a more “open” person, or just someone who doesn’t replay every single remotely embarrassing moment that’s ever happened in their head when they’re supposed to be asleep–would have little trouble with being a new student anywhere. They would just walk in with a smile and proceed to round up a group of people willing to talk to them, right? Like, just breeze in the doors and start chatting with their new friends.
But I am not an extovert. Yes, I love talking to people. Yes, I love making friends. Yes, I have had friends in the past. No, I don’t hate people. But I am reallllllllyyy self-conscious, and I think too much of other people’s opinions, and I blush easily (a fact that about a bajillion people have pointed out to me on a million different occasions), and I cry easily (I hate crying, because I normally don’t–I only cry when I’m in public and it’s embarrassing to do so because I have an ugly blotchy crying face), and worst of all, I speak too quickly. When I’m nervous, I start blurring all my words together, like the syllables are wobbly on ice and they’re all leaning together for support. It just makes the words come out easier, I guess, but it’s awful, because people notice and they comment on it. I do try to slow my speech down normally, because my dad gets on my case about it a lot.
Also, I hate talking to new people. Or talking in front of a group of people. I hate it when people are staring at you–I know they don’t do it to be impolite, I know they’re staring because I’m the one talking and they’re being respectful, but I get so afraid when they look.
And I honestly don’t hate people. I mean sometimes I feel awful and I start hating the people who gossip about me and give me not-so-subtle looks in class (in all three of the Chinese schools I’ve gone to, I’ve been the freak from another country), but I don’t feel that way for long. I mostly love people. It just seems like I’m not really easy to befriend because I have a severe case of resting bitch face and people think I’m “intimidating” (honestly, this is what several of my old friends have told me, when I’m about as menacing a large pink butterfly) and “too quiet”. When you’re quiet, when you don’t talk a lot, or raise your hand, people somehow get the impression that you’re mean, or a loner, or a people-hater.
Being an introvert just kind of generally sucks, because you get nervous easily, and you want to stay at home where you don’t have to see anyone or do anything that you don’t want to do, but then you get lonely when you feel like other people actually have lives and you’re just sitting in the corner rereading Harry Potter, watching Doctor Who, watching Dan and Phil, and listening to all of your favorite band’s songs on repeat for eternity.
But it’s not all as bad as it seems, I guess. Being an introvert makes you think a lot–maybe a little too much–and kind of reflect on more stuff. And I think I make a generally good friend, because I don’t push people to talk or ask them any personal stuff; I understand how it feels really uncomfortable to talk to new people, and that’s a good thing.
Anyway, this turned out to be looong. Too long. Happy Friday again, everyone, and have a great weekend.