Love. The one thing that everyone craves. It brings happiness….smiles….laughter…..honesty….and family. But sometimes it brings tears….heart breaks…..pain. Love isn’t always between two people, but between friends, co-workers and family. I always thought family was built upon traditions, honesty, foundations and unconditional love. But what if that was all a lie? What if your family can bring your own demise? What if family breaks you to the point where you start to wonder are they really your own? If your own family breaks your trust, how is one supposed to trust anyone? People say therapy helps. Talking to someone sometimes unloads a burden on your chest. I tried every nook and corner to help unload this burden on my chest, but nothing seems to work. My last resort is now just writing everything down and telling a bunch of strangers my pain. Maybe one day someone will understand and I can be myself. I’m the perfect example of damaged goods. I might not look broken or damaged from the outside, but trust and believe that my heart breaks into little pieces everyday. There’s this constant reminder inside of me how much I’m hurting….my pain. I’m 21 years old, almost 22 and I believe I have failed at everything. I’ve heard that when it comes down to it, family are the only people who will stand by you. Yeah my family stand by me only so I don’t become an embarrassment to them. They don’t want their reputation to be maligned. I got everything I wanted and made every poor choice in my life. But at a point I wanted to change myself and it took me a whole year to become the woman I am today. But still today I haven’t forgiven myself for the mistakes I’ve made in life. Some of the decisions I regret very much today. I cant explain how ashamed, embarrassed and humiliated I feel. This shame and humiliation eats me from the inside everyday. I wake up every morning thinking today will be a day I won’t feel any pain….I won’t shed a single tear, but no matter how hard I try that just never seems to happen. My day is never complete without me crying. I’m angry at the world 24/7. I don’t know why I’m angry but I’m just angry all the time. I want to release this anger….this pain, but I don’t know how. I’ve tried everything. I’m denying the fact I’m in depression because there’s no way I’m in depression. Depression can never hit me. I know I’m stronger than that and I know I can outrun depression. Honestly, sometimes I feel that I’m already deep in depression and I’m just denying it because I think I’m better than that. I think of all the times I’ve been angry or when I cry myself to sleep. No one understands what I go through everyday. Sometimes it’s a pain waking up. There are days I don’t even want to wake up because I know that pain is there. I don’t know if this is a cry for help or I’m tangled in emotions. I just want to get rid of this pain. I tried getting help from my family, but my parents are too busy with work or their other children since they are doing much better at school or in life general. I’m just a showpiece for my parents. Something that doesn’t need to get into anymore trouble or embarrass anyone else. Just a failure. Family isn’t always there for one another, sometimes you just to pick up your pieces alone and start over. It just sucks going thru that process alone. Loneliness just kills all the emotions around me. I feel like I’m sitting in the dark and don’t have anywhere to go. No goals left to achieve and don’t feel the need to make new goals. Pain and loneliness mixed together is not a very good combination. Just makes it worst. So my question is, how long will I have to endure this? When will my family understand me? When will they see their daughter is in so much pain? Its like I’m invisible to them….just a ghost. Someone who doesn’t exist.

Leave a Reply