Wake Me When It’s Over

Melatonin, Ashwagandha, Klonopin, Lyrica, Neurontin, Remeron, Zyprexa, Propranolol

Still I can’t sleep

I desperately want to be out of my pain

My brain is squeezing harder than anything I’ve ever felt it’s almost too much

I’ve never felt pain this bad in my life, so bad I can’t even cry

I just want to dream, I want to go to where I’m healthy 

I want to see him in my dreams and be happy, I live for those dreams

The pain is continuing it hurts incredibly bad 

It feels like an arrow was shot through my head over and over

Along with that pain is a sharp pain in my chest that is squeezing

I just want to be held and comforted until I fall asleep

I’d probably fall asleep fast that way but that can’t happen

Instead I will wait and hope that all of these medications will knock me out

That they will put me into a deep blissful slumber for as long as possible

Being awake is too torturous right now

I have fear in the pit of my stomach almost like a knowing

I have thoughts that I will die soon and those thoughts hit my stomach like I’ve been punched

I still feel like I cannot breathe

My body is shaking, externally and internally

My mind is more still but going crazy 

It never is just silent except for when I seizure and the pain becomes too great

I worry about everything

Is this house making me sick?

This house that I desperately wanted to be a place to heal in

A place that I could share with someone I was in love with

And build new memories in….

I didn’t know those memories would be negative

I hate this house, I hate what it’s done to me, what it did to him

I hate being here alone, I’m not afraid of this place but the memories haunt me

I’m starting to get drowsy now just a little bit

I’m dipping in and out of this reality but not like I was earlier

Earlier I started to leave my body and I saw horrific images when I did

Dropping the phone over and over as I nodded out

It had been forever since that had happened

I hope I just have beautiful dreams tonight

Dreams where I’m at peace, on the beach, in the sun, smiling, laughing

Dreams where I look at him and don’t see concern, don’t see sadness

In real life I see it, he tries to hide it but I see it and I hate it

I’ve never loved anyone or anything as much as I do him

There’s something about him that is different than anyone I have ever met

I never thought I could love someone this much, so much that I’d do anything for them if I could

I wish I wasn’t sick so I could show it more, their importance is huge

I endure this suffering so I can hopefully show him one day the real me

So I can give back everything he has given me and more

So we can laugh and enjoy life and look back on this as a nightmare that’s over

I want to be able to look in his eyes and see joy, peace, contentment 

I want to kiss him and not question if it’s the last time it will happen

I want to hug him and not wonder will I die before the next hug

More blanking out, my body is exhausted but my mind is wired

I could probably try to sleep now

I can’t wait for my dreams where I get to leave this hell

Maybe if I think about what I want to dream it will happen

I just wish that I could go through this and not wake up until it’s over


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