Thank you Marathon Mama for telling me it’s okay to still dwell on all these memories of my mom. It is certainly where I’m mostly dwelling. Well I dwell here when not working or sleeping!
This weekend the fog cleared enough for me to go grocery shopping, that is about as productive in my personal life as I have been since she passed. And I went over to where she was living and brought home one of the sets of sweats I bought her at Christmas and wore them . And I got the green bracelet that she so loved in the nursing home. It was her St. Patrick’s day gift last year and I intend to wear it this year for her. I seem to be taking some comfort in wearing some of her things.
I’ve no idea how my sis is doing. She has been on vacation for over a week and before that she was pretty consumed with her work. I’m assuming she will be fine with the fact that my granddaughter is coming over on the Sat. before Easter and so she and I will be spending the night with my sis. I’m looking forward to Easter…and then I remember mom won’t be there and I get all teary eyed. This is just so damn hard. It hurt so much when dad went and I grieved myself crazy. This time…I’m being more sensible and yet it hurt even more.
I remember this past Thanksgiving when mom was still with us but she was still at the nursing home. We went and got her of course and she celebrated Thanksgiving with the family. I remember feeding her because it was easier for her and easier for me and how I pondered and just know in my heart this would be our last Thanksgiving. Anyhow all the adult kids (my sister’s and mine) and I spent the night at sis’s. I slept upstairs with my granddaughter and my great niece. I woke up around 2:00 or 3:00 in the a.m. and just had such an uncontrolable crying jag. And I think what if I do that at Easter? I mean I want to hold it together for the family.
So much of me yet just wants to crawl in bed and sleep, sleep, sleep. It was kind of crazy, I got home from working in my brother’s office Sat. afternoon and took a four hour nap! Sleep is my happy retreat from the real world.
Yesterday I went to the funeral home (again). Let me explain about again . When you are 63 years old and living in a small town, hometown…well somebody is always losing a parent or a spouse at our age. Anyhow this was for the parent of classmate, her dad. Her mom was my brownie scout leader along with my own mother and another lady. It felt so strange not to go over to mom’s and tell her Mary looked good and who I saw at the funeral home and so forth. All my life and most especially these ten years I have been back in town I have shared all the little stories and gossip with mama. And trust me there are plenty of stories in a small town. So maybe tomorrow I can be more creative, or more chipper…today it’s an accounting…blah ,blah, sad, sad.