7 yrs ago i wrote this and a total of 11 yrs i’m finally leaving

“I never said I would stay to the end
I knew I would leave you with babies and everything
Screaming like this in the hole of sincerity
Screaming me over and over and over
I leave you with photographs
Pictures of trickery
Stains on the carpet and
Stains on the memory
Songs about happiness murmured in dreams
When we both of us knew
How the end always is”

**what I think every man has done to me**

I never thought id be in the same position that I was  9 years ago. Dwelling on a broken relationship of 5 measly years, one that left me with a baby to raise on my own, crying and doing my damnest to repair what was broken. I remember listening to disintegration by the cure over and over. Hoping that id never ever have to feel alone again. Yet, I pretty much gave my heart over to someone who has just done the same thing. Yet, ive endured it longer, i dragged it out where I lost who I was and what my worth was. I did it because deep down inside im broken, im lost and the loneliness I endured as a child has only made me gravitate to anyone who gives me attention not even thinking the price I would have to pay for it. Now at 30 in the rockiest, unstable relationship im alone. Alone! I gave my time to this person who once again has not given me anything but grief. Oh ya we’ve had some good times but than its like bam! Everything goes wrong. Its like a punch to the gut that takes the air out of you but its not air that’s being taken out here its hope. Hope that it will get better, hope that this person does love me, that he wants the best for me that he wants to give me the world. Yet its not like that..im his rock, the spine of this family, im to him what he should to be but its not mutual.

 

“You should learn when to go
You should learn how to say no

Might last a day, yeah
Mine is forever
Might last a day, yeah
Mine is forever

When they get what they want, they never want it again
When they get what they want, they never want it again

Go on, take everything, take everything, I want you to
Go on, take everything, take everything, I want you to”

 

Now its time to let go of the dreams, this codependency that is just sucking the life out of me. That just drags me through the dirt. I don’t even know who I am anymore. Ive lied to myself and others. Ive lost friends because they’re tired of dealing with the drama that comes with this relationship. In the end im utterly alone. The only thing that gets me through this is my son and even than I feel bad that I have dragged him through this as well. Its sad, it hurts but I need to swallow it and get up and get away from it. Dragging my self through this is only going to prolong the pain. I refuse to live like this anymore.im the only one that can change the destiny of my life. I will never get to travel the world if I stay in this black hole, this constant cycle of pain.

 

“Funny how I find myself in love with you
If I could buy my reasoning, I’d pay to lose
One half won’t do

I’ve asked myself, how much do you commit yourself?
It’s my life, don’t you forget
It’s my life, it never ends (It never ends)

Funny how I blind myself, I never knew
If I was sometimes played upon, afraid to lose

I’d tell myself, what good you do
Convince myself
It’s my life, don’t you forget
It’s my life, it never ends (It never ends)

I’ve asked myself, how much do you commit yourself?
It’s my life, don’t you forget
Caught in the crowd, it never ends
It’s my life, don’t you forget
Caught in the crowd, it never ends
It’s my life, don’t you forget
Caught in the crowd, it never ends”

 

That’s right it’s my life!! I allowed him to be in it and he took full advantage of me. Now I want to take back my life, I want to make it what I deserve. Im not going to feel sorry for myself anymore im tired of doing that.

“I keep on fallin’

In and out of love
With you

Sometimes I love ya
Sometimes you make me blue
Sometimes I feel good, at times I feel used
Lovin’ you darlin’ makes me so confused

I keep on fallin’
In and out of love with you
I never loved someone
The way that I’m lovin’ you

Oh, oh, I never felt this way
How do you give me so much pleasure and cause me so much pain?
Just when I think I’ve taken more than would a fool
I start fallin’ back in love with you”

The hard part is when he comes back. Ill  look at him and just put my feelings aside because I felt bad that I would leave him alone, that I would never be in those arms, that id never smell his skin anymore. My heart would break for different reason and not for the right ones.

 

*update: It is now 2016 and I have come to term that this man never knew what he really had and that my staying was only killing me slowly. I am in the works to leave him and never look back*

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