You never know what you might get with me. By that I mean every day is a challenge to discover what part of me you are seeing. I now have discovered that there are many different versions of myself. Not like a multiple personality disorder, though I do have or so they say, a borderline personality disorder which is not the same. BPD is like hot and cold, yes or no, one way or the other, no inbetween. Which in turn goes great with my bipolar disorder, ha. My generalized mood is like someone gave a rabbit speed and then force fed it a bottle of vodka. Brains such as mine with too much insight into everything, including my own disorders are shit because I have no control over my mood swings or anxiety attacks, yet I’m fully aware of them, side effects of medications that are half assed to begin with from a quack that doesn’t understand your intent on being in control of the outcome of what your diagnosis is, since he obviously has no idea and has to keep consulting with his little book of big words. Side effects that impair every fucking thing, like trying to type coherently is taking a lot of revision and patience I don’t have anymore. Anxiety from anxiety, social uncomfortableness and people in general. People too close, don’t touch me, stand behind me or attempt to lean in closer, I will lose my shit.
Then you have now, at this very moment as I type each word I feel as if I am filled to the brim of my skull with helium and every movement makes me nauseous. Pharmacists say all my meds together, a cocktail for sanity and to get me out of my seclusion, will cause a mass amount of side effects. I tried to write them down as I experienced them but eventually forgot, as memory problems is apparently a side effect. Ha. Poor appetite, memory loss, even blacked out and lost 4 hours the other day, massive amounts of headaches and migraines, body stiffness, mostly in my neck, trouble sleeping, too little, too much, shaking, involuntary muscle spasms, hot flashes, sweating, eye pain and sensitivity, nauseous, light headed, vertigo, I have fallen 4 times and hit the ground like a sack of potatoes or slammed my face into my desk, and of course more depression with mood swings. Probably more, I just can’t seem to remember at the moment.
So seeing a different version of me or a piece of me on any given day is not going to be the same version as the day before. Per medications, side effects, the ptsd from the trauma or the multiple diagnosis’ accompanying my severe spinal/hip pain, it is unlikely you will see the same me twice in a row. I don’t even recognize the person in the mirror staring back anymore. I’m like a broken tv, screen all cracked but channels still work. So many channels but all of them are blurry or hard to recognize, you can’t quite see the whole picture because there is always something missing. You can keep trying to flip through to find the channel that works but it will never be the same and you will still not see it clearly as when it was pushed off its stand, somewhere a piece fell out and was never to be found again.