Just thoughts/Hate This

I keep trying to put this down 

Type it out

and fuck ….

I get lost in my own thoughts

I think about what I want to say

and I drift off and don’t even start to put it down

and I still am


I don’t hide my emotions like you do

You’re so guarded because I’ve made you so

Before it was easier

But I still remember the friction…the feeling..

I remember how scared we were to kiss, the pull was unlike anything I’ve felt

I love kissing you still

I love kissing you, feeling your lips on mine, gripping your face, pulling you close

I would kiss you forever and be content with just that alone

I would forever be held in your embrace and be content

I would forever be lost in your eyes and be happy

Every time we kiss and let go and I stare into them

I don’t just see your eyes, your soul… I see how much you love me

I never doubt it, that’s why it has hurt so bad

I’ve seen it the entire time

I guess I should be grateful

Because there was a period of time when I couldn’t kiss you, I couldn’t be physical with you 

It was too raw still, all that we have been through

You weren’t ready for it, it was too much

Now time has passed and I allowed you to have space to heal some


still not fully

I’ll still take what I can, every embrace, every kiss, every time you touch me…

every time you make love to me and not just fuck me

I take that all in

I get lost in it all

I get lost in feeling your lips against mine, I love kissing you

To me it’s more intimate, it tells so much more

I can always tell what direction you are headed in by your kiss

I’m repulsed to be that intimate with anyone

….but you

I trust you with my heart so I divulge everything 

Through my words, through my eyes…

I hide nothing from you

I want to hide nothing from you I want you to see it all, know it all

Even if I am afraid that you will be bored if you do

I think I’m more afraid of you knowing how in love with you I am

Because I think you will get bored

I think you will get annoyed

I think you will move on really fast even though I would give you everything you want

So I follow your lead even though it kills me

I question every single thing..I walk on eggshells

I question if we had met differently would it be different

If we had taken time, if I had taken time would it be different

Would I be better and in the kitchen making you dinner everyday

Would you be coming home to me kissing you and embracing you daily

Or would you still get bored with that

Would I still have to spice it up after a month like that

Even then it would still be okay because I’d do whatever it took to make you happy

I’d do anything just to have you happy with me

I feel so inadequate now because of my own wrongdoings when I didn’t before

I felt as though we were on the same playing field despite my illness

I know you wouldn’t judge me based on that now

Now it’s based on internal hurt, damage to the soul

Hurt I wish I could take away and heal, wish I could hold you and kiss you through

I cannot be the one to heal the hurt from me, it has to come through time

Trust…. lots and lots of proven trust

Then and only then will you fully let go, will you fully allow me in

I know it and I hold onto it

I know if I show you enough patience and trust and love..

One day you’ll let me in, one day these will no longer be thoughts, no longer will I hate this.




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