March 14, 2016: Catch Up

Hello. (: This is my first entry, so I will catch you up on where I am at now and how I got here. I was third born into a family of six. I have two older sisters and one younger brother; oddly enough we are all 6 years apart. I didn’t have much guidance growing up. One of my sisters kept on developing medical conditions over the years, and was extremely suicidal. My other sister was a partier and very popular. They have always, and still currently, hate each other. My little brother is turning out okay, we’ve never talked or hung out really. He’s entering high school this year though, and that’s what changed me. My mom is my opposite. Always has been. We didn’t truly start getting along until I moved out of state almost 3 months ago and same with my dad. And let me tell you, that support everyone talks about, feels pretty amazing. My dad wasn’t around too much growing up, he worked a lot. He’s a smoker and an alcoholic(Not a good combo right?). He’s never really been involved in my life, we were more like distant roommates. My dad slept on the couch until I moved out recently, now he sleeps in my old bed. I’m happy he does. Anyways, I started drinking and smoking around age 13, then lost my virginity at 14. I remember sitting at the mall with one of my sisters, explaining to her how I wanted to “further” my first boyfriend’s and I relationship, but I was too scared. Her exact words, that I will never forget, were “Don’t hesitate.” I lived off of those words throughout high school, and even after for a while. I never really had an intimate connection with my family, so I saw sexual attention as intimacy, and I gave in to it. That lead me to a lot of bad memories and regrets. I got a job when I was 16 and used the money for alcohol. Everyday I was drinking, with not one person telling me I need to stop. I had great grades though, and played sports as well. I saw it as, the better I did in work and school, the more freedom I deserved. At that point I was listening to nobody. Once I graduated, I was in a serious relationship with a bible thumper, W. Him and his family turned my life around. I was sober and going to college. Until one day I caught him cheating on me, with the girl he is now engaged to. That tipped me off the edge and I started doing what I wanted again, rebelling. I connected with an old friend late in 2015, D,  moved to a different state with him a month later and got an apartment. We were dating, but then he began to be so, so rude. Then I figured out, he’s gay. He still won’t admit it to anyone though. So we started sleeping in separate rooms, all I could afford was a mattress on the floor. I started dating a super sweet guy, N. I brought him home one night because he had helped me buy a bed frame for my mattress, and was gonna help me put it together. D didn’t like that, verbally abused and threatened me and my cat, G, the next morning. I went and bought a door knob with a key lock, and put all of my stuff, plus my cat, into the room and locked it. N tried to get his parents to let me move in with them, but they said no. He is now helping me look for apartments, but they are all too expensive for me. I get about 23 hours a week. Currently looking for a second job, but no one wants to hire right now. Luckily one of my coworkers is going to have an open room in about 2 weeks, but I need to get out now. I’m going crazy and it’s causing me to have nightmares. The only issue is, is that if she doesn’t allow cats, I am going to have to send G back home with my parents. He’s the only source keeping me alive right now. N had also explained to me today that he does not want to be in a relationship, and that we should just be friends. I like him so much though, the reason I want to stay in this state is for him, but he doesn’t want me either. So basically I’m broke, single, and stuck in an abusive household and state where I have absolutely zero friends. Well now that you are caught up, I shall try and sleep behind my locked bedroom door, with my cat, on my mattress on the floor, surrounded by everything I own. Good night souls, sleep peacefully.  

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