My sunshine, rainbows, and kittens is slowly dissolving leaving mush in my mouth and rocks in my stomach. I know life will always have its ups and downs, meetings and partings, but sometimes good byes are too difficult to bear.
Last night, I let myself and my natural tendencies to get the better of me. The result? I took my unfounded suspicions, paranoia, and anxieties out on the man. I feel terrible for this. I’m grateful that he’s so kind hearted and understanding that he can see past this.
Maybe that’s because of the dark cloud from today.
We took one of our cats to the vet today. The vet came highly recommended. My sweet princess Toothless is on the decline, but she’s only 4 years old. Her rear end is so tiny. She’s lost so much weight. Her coat is dull. Her hind legs are so weak. I’m watching her rot and mystified as to the cause. I’ve been trying to eliminate the more obvious problems, but as to what’s going on with her, I only had suspicions.
Could be her kidneys. Could be hyperthyroidism. Could be allergies. Could be cancer. Guess what? It’s cancer.
She has a tumor in her spine. It’s bone cancer. It’s inoperative. No surgery can fix this. Chemo isn’t an option. She’s on borrowed time. I fought my tears as I saw the X Ray of Toothless’s disintegrating spine. Soon she will be paralyzed and we will have to put her down. There is no miracle coming to save the day. Only my tears.
I was sent home with pain medication to keep her comfortable. I was sent home with no hope. I have my love for her still though. I have this final time to spend with her.
She’s still my sweet girl. She still purrs and wants to be pet. She still places her soft, velvet paws in the palm of my hand. She still nips my fingers. I still have time with her for at least a little while.
My kids will be coming home from school soon and I’ll have to face them with the truth. I know she’s just a cat, but she’s so much more to us. She’s a member of our family. She’s softened our moments of pain. She’s been that needed hug. She’s been our shoulder to cry on. She’s that giggle of sheer joy.
Now it’s our turn to care for her like she cares for us. I can only hope that in these final days she knows she is loved.