Last night

So last night my husband and I made love, for what seemed like the first time.  The whole time I saw him in a completely different way, a way I haven’t seen him in before.  I felt more connected to him, more in love with him, more aware of my life, his life, us being in an intimate moment.  

Don’t get me wrong, we are very intimate with each other, more so than I know a lot of couples are….It was just the emotion that was present this time….He wasn’t aware of this, to him, he is always present….it’s me….

The thing is we have had a rough patch for a while…more so me.  I have had some things happen in my life the past year that has changed how I see things, how I want things to be, and how I feel.  He has been so loving and patient with me, with my emotions.  We have a great relationship, still in the honeymoon stage after this long.  I just hit something personally on my own that has caused me to be, well not me…. 

…And now, because of last night, I feel like I can be me again, feel amazing emotions again.   Feel the love we share for each other.  I was able to see him for the first time, in a long time….Be present to his body on top of me, his muscles, the sweat forming on them.  Being able to look at his face and actually see him, make eye contact.  It was love, instead of it just being sex.  Don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with just sex, but with what I have gone through, to have this emotion back in my life, especially for my husband, is well, there are no words to describe it.  I have been dealing with depression, and this has given me hope.  I know it will take time until everything with me will be fine, it may be a while before I have these emotions for myself, him, and us again. 

But I am glad I even woke up this morning feel so refreshed, even though I had to wake up at 5 am, the week of daylight savings, and coming home from a date with him at 12am, not getting to bed until a little after 1am.  As much as I  usually dislike waking up at 5am, I had to, and I was fine with it, except the fact that I had to take my husband to the airport.  His flight was at 6:40am.  I am used to these early morning flights of his, except this time.. this time was different.  After I gave him his hug, said my goodbye with a kiss, and got back into my car, I felt this overbearing feeling of  heart ache.  I wasn’t aching, it was just I missed him at that moment, so much it felt like heart ache.  

It has been so long since I have missed him this much when he went on one of his trips, which are often.  I typically love when he leaves, well it’s bittersweet.  I get to rest more! When he is here, we are up all night, you know, Netflix and Chill.  We get so caught up in that, we stay up later than we want to, but it’s great.  We are with each other 24/7 when he is home, which I won’t complain about.  I actually love it, we get along great.  We are business partners, work together from home, and then we are also amazing as a couple… to be honest, it’s disgusting lol.  

But like I said, when he goes I do look forward to it.  I get the bed to myself!!!! I have our 7 year old to keep me company after school is out.  I get to talk to him all the time on the phone, either messaging, or actual phone calls.  It’s odd, since we met we never have gone 24 hrs without talking, and it doesn’t feel suffocating for either one of us…..Weirdly though, anyone who knows me would think this is crazy.  I am not the one to be this attached to someone ever, I need my space, even space through the phone.  However, since day 1 we have been best friends, both in different relationships at the time (we didn’t leave each others partners, for each other) We were just inseparable, always talking, hanging out, it just happened.   We each ended our relationships at different times, even tried to help each other with them.   Any category our relationship with each other fell/falls under works.  I have never met someone I can have that with. 

Now you can see why me having these feelings come back, makes me feel incredible.  I was starting to think how I have been, hasn’t been fair for him.  I started to question if we should be together, I wanted him to go find someone who could be happy, someone who wasn’t being depressed.  But he held on, for better or for worse, right? He proves that is right.  We take our vows very serious.  

I guess that is why I decided to start my journal tonight, something to track this moment in my life, and something to write in each day going forward to see how my progress goes.  I will apologize for now if I share way too much, especially any intimate stuff, like what happened last night. 

It will be less than a week until he is home, he hasn’t even landed yet, his flight was over 12 hours 🙁  He will only be working 3 days, but most of his time will be spent traveling.  I miss him like crazy, and I now feel like I wasn’t ready for him to go on this trip.  Unfortunately, as much as he wanted to postpone it after knowing I had a bit of a breakthrough, he can’t….The convention isn’t his, he can’t postpone it, and he works hard to support his family.   Yes, as I said, we are business partners but I don’t go on all the trips with him, especially over seas.  We have a 7 year old together, and I don’t want to miss out on a lot of her life.  We take her with when we can, especially since she enjoys his job, more so than mine.  Unfortunately overseas means more time away from school, that isn’t something I want to take away from her, just because it can be done.  I don’t want her to know the option of taking advantage of getting out of school.   

I will end this journal now.  I wanted to go to sleep sooner than this.  I just couldn’t sleep until I got this out.  

If you are reading this, thank you for allowing me to share this with you.  

Yours Truly, 

 

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