Today was a bad day.
Well maybe I should back up some- this has been a bad couple of semesters. What do normal people classify as a bad day? Their hair not looking right, they ripped their favorite pair of jeans, they stepped in a puddle and ruined their $60 pair of designer whatevers and now have to buy new ones. I have those things in my day but sometimes they feel like the brighter part. The accidents I wished were the only things that made my days difficult.
I have depression and anxiety which is a really fucking awful combination if you don’t have it or don’t know/understand what it is. Most days I feel like I can’t move from bed for one reason or another- either I feel like there is no purpose in the world or I’m so nervous about actually facing the day and facing people that I make myself physically ill.
For those of you who don’t suffer from depression/anxiety I’m going to try and explain it.
For me, depression feels like a giant hole has opened up in my chest and swallowed up everything that made me human. Everything feels hopeless- why should I bother going to class/work/dinner/out? Why do anything at all? What’s the point? Suddenly the world has turned black and white, everything anybody says makes you feel worse. Your best friend getting engaged is just another ‘fuck you’ from the universe showing that you will never have anyone and will never be happy. When you look in the mirror the person who looks back at you is not who you want to be- your hair is awful, you’re fat, your clothes don’t fit right, how can people actually stand to look at you? And you go back to bed because what’s the use of getting up if all you’re going to do is fail?
And then you have the anxiety part. One day you wake up without the world crushing you and you actually get out of bed and get dressed and feel good. Until you hit the door to your apartment. You’ve missed classes. You haven’t seen anyone is a week or longer. You missed a quiz and a homework and 5 classes and what will your teacher say? Everyone will know that your broken, that there’s something and they will all be looking at you differently. Your breathing speeds up, your hearts beats faster and you end up back in bed. Or on your couch, on the kitchen floor, in the bathtub, freaking out and trying to put your life back together because you want to succeed, you actually felt good when you woke up this morning, why can’t you do anything right? And it persists up until you try to go to bed but it keeps you up all night so the next day you feel like shit because your tired.
And it cycles through again.
Which brings me back to today.
No one knows that I have depression or anxiety. Not my family, not my best friend, not my room mates. No teachers, no managers, no co-workers. I can hide it really well-make it look like I’m leaving the house, laugh when I’m expected to laugh, talk a good game like I actually see people and talk to them and lead a normal life.
But I don’t. I listen to my room mates go to class in the morning and wish I could go too. I try to get up, get dressed, do my hair, do my homework, study. And I physically can’t. I get up, drag myself to my off campus job until my classes are supposed to start and then I drive my car to somewhere abandoned to sit until I’m expected back. And then I go back. I act like I went to class instead of sitting in my car and having a panic attack or crying or feeling like my world is bottoming out.
I used to be a A student. Now I’m about to be kicked out of college because I can’t get myself together and I’m too afraid to ask for help because I’ve had people tell me that this isn’t a real disease in the past. People have told me that I need to just get over it, buck up and get on with my life. So I hide everything. And I try. I try really, really hard to get over it. To buck up and get my life together. But I can’t. And I’ll never get my doctorate and be the person I always dreamed of being because of this monster that lives in me and prevents me from doing the little things I love.
Life shouldn’t be this hard. I understand that not everything can be roses and kittens but can’t I catch a single break? Why can’t I go one day like a normal person?
So yeah, today was a bad day.
And tomorrow will be too.