I left the hospital as a passenger. That in itself is something unusual for me. I am a driver by nature… I used to race and have a project car in the garage, I love road trips and commute an hour to work. Not being able to drive for a while will take some adjusting for me, that’s for sure. Anyways, the point is, I didn’t mind. The sun was shining but dark clouds were quickly approaching and it made me wonder how long it would last. I admired it while I could. At home, the rain poured down and the dark clouds took over. Still, I didn’t mind. There’s something peaceful about listening to and watching the rain while inside, wrapped up in a blanket.
As the days pass by, I find myself questioning so many things about the way I lived before…For example, yesterday my Mom took me for a ride to the grocery store and I smiled out the window as I noticed houses I’d never seen before and stared fondly at the world around me. I asked to stop for a coffee along the way. It felt like I had won the lottery. I am finally well enough that I can treat myself when just a few days ago my diet consisted of ice chips… I think about the fact that we had no agenda. We took a detour to the grocery store, just because we could. It feels wonderful yet uncomfortable at the same time.
Before my surgery I woke up at 5:30 each morning, out of the house by 7:00 and home by 7:30 each night… Then it was dinner, walk the dog, study, bed, repeat. My days were long and busy. I was stressed and stretched thin. But it was my choice. I don’t HAVE to go to school, I want to. And I don’t have to commute so far for work but I wanted the money and the success that I thought would come with it. I could move closer but I don’t want to live in the city. Now here I am, faced with months of recovery and the daunting task of forcing myself to “take it easy”. I am still learning what that means because I am discovering that what I think is “taking it easy” is still pure chaos for most… Anyways, I now find myself questioning the worth of the decisions I’ve made. Am I happy with a schedule that leaves me no time to attend family dinners or to do things like volunteer? Is the money worth the stress? It leaves me thinking about work/life balances and how important happiness is… I once thought money led to happiness and to be honest, I still find money to be an important factor. But in this moment, I find happiness outside of money and work to be a higher priority. Time to find where my happiness lies…
Who knows, some big changes might be in store for me. But for now, this is where I leave you.