On the Edge

I thought my life was getting better. Barely had family drama going on and my relationship was going great and strong. But now I met my little cousin Liam who is only 6 weeks old. Every time I hold him I think about the child that I was suppose to be having. It hurts to look at Liam and even see him or hear him, I get so depressed and upset every time he comes around. I wish every day I could take back what happened to my child, I wish he was here with me and that I could be a mother to him. I know God had a plan for all of this but it just doesn’t make sense of why it had to happen to me. Why I had to lose him. I never did anything wrong in this world, in my life. I always tried to be a great person and be nice and never hurt anyone. I was the one that always got abused and threatened and bullied in school. I haven’t had a happy time in my life where I could honestly say that every thing was okay for once. I have always been in depression and have been suicidal. I never thought this would have happened to me. But now here I am going through everyday wishing I wasn’t living this day. Wishing I would have been born into a different family or wishing I would have never failed my suicide attempt a year ago, or I would have not survived all the abuse I got from my ex. I wish my life would have turned out differently. I don’t know why I have had all this bad stuff happen to me every since I was born. My life hasn’t been easy but no one really knows that because I don’t tell people about my past. It’s not easy to talk about with everything there is and plus there is just too much that has happened it takes forever to even get through. It just sucks because all I ever have run through my mind is all about my past and I can’t ever get it out. My depression never goes away and I feel like never talking to people about anything in my life because I want people to think that my life is fine and that I am happy when inside I am broken into a million different pieces and I will never heal properly from it. I always have to put on an act for people and I will continue to do that for awhile. I just hope life starts to get better soon.

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