I Lied.

I lied.

I lied to everyone.

For a moment I let myself believe that I could truly have someone who wasn’t good for me.

I haven’t updated this Journal in awhile but I’ve been feeling so down lately that I thought it would be good for me to start it back up again. So here’s a quick update: Hunter and I no longer speak. We were both so tired and frankly 2 and a half years is a lot to put into a fake relationship. 

During the last two months of my broken relationship with Hunter, I developed a messed up crush on a boy from school.

He’s weird, creepy almost. His actions and words make me so angry I want to cry. He laughs like everything is funny to him and all he cares about is playing basketball. The typical guy, I guess, but no typical guy would make me this frustrated that I want to rip my hair out.

I don’t want to fall in love with him but i think already have.

I hate him. I hate him for how he makes me feel. I hate him for how he shows me so much attention one day and then the next he is ignoring me like I did something wrong to him. 

I can’t breathe. Oh god, do I want to breathe. I’m in pain, physical pain, I feel tortured, unwanted, used, deceived. I muffle screams into my pillow at night hoping no one will hear me but also wishing someone would, just so I can get the burden of him off my chest. It’s so heavy, I can’t breathe. I want to breathe.

I want to get rid of him but he’s like the scent of a cigarette on my clothes and I can’t wash him out entirely. Some days I can look past him, pretend to not notice the way his face lights up when he talks about the things he loves or when he tries so hard to make everyone around him laugh. It doesn’t work.

And while I’m stuck here, thinking about the way he makes me feel, he’s over there, thinking about the way she makes him feel. And it’s a never ending cycle.

He doesn’t see me, he never will. He thinks he’s better than me and I think that’s what hurts the most, that he believes I will never be on his level. He’s unreachable. 

He’s too distant and I’m too reactive, it would never work. As much as I cry for him at night and pray to god he will be at school so I can see him for the 2-minute intervals I do, it will never happen, it canI’m lost, I’ve hit rock bottom and I don’t know if I can get up. It’s no longer the ‘he doesn’t like me back’ pain, it’s the ‘please fucking take me from here I can’t do it anymore’ pain. I feel physically sick when I hear his name come out of another person’s lips, I want them to stop and I want him to go away.

God, do i want like to be good to him. Yet i can’t help but wait till the day I can finally say to myself; “I dont give a fuck about him. Fuck him, fuck that, I’m done.”

Tomorrow I dread as it is another day of the same thing; look at eachother, ignore eachother and then me sickly overanaylising everything he does, thinking just maybe, just maybe he might show some emotion back. Anything.

I love him, but I dont want to.  

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