Who am I??

Who am I and am I worth anything??
Some aspects of the question who I am are very easily to be answered: I am a 19 year old girl from germany, who likes to hang out with friends and loves to watch series and movies. I have 4 siblings and divorced parents, which are constantly fighting or not talking at all. I think that my life can be described as pretty descent, but far away from perfect.
All of the above is very obviusly, but how do i feel insinde and am I worth anything?
Most of the time i feel okay and accepted as who i am, but not by my own family… I lived with my father for a short period of time and this was one of the sadest times in my young life. My father is very short tempered and explodes very easily and often he lets me feel his anger with words and sometimes he even hit me. By this time my mother an I did not had contact at all, but my grandmother told her what was happening and she decided that i should move in with her and my other sibling again. I hoped that from this point my life would change and the relationship between my mother and i would become better, but it never reached the point where i could tell my mother that I love her or that i need her and my mother could not tell me these things either. By now i often think that my mom sees too much similarities between us and that i remember herself of her own childhood (her father wasn´t a good person at all) and because of this she wants to keep distance. Most of the time i don´t have a problem with that distance, but sometimes when i see her cuddeling with my siblings i don´t understand why she can show them that she loves them but not me and this is what really makes me sad and unloved. At this special moments i feel left out and not worth anything. Mostly my friends are the people who accepts me for my special, strange and mostly sarcastic personality, not my family. And this is what makes me feel very self conscious and not loved.
Sometimes it is difficult for me to feel worth anything… Would people miss me when i moved away or die? Even my mother told me to move out, because she does not want to live with me anymore and i can’t understand why. I honestly like the idea of moving away to another or country, but would this change anything or even make it worse and is it right to runaway from your problems and feelings??
Especially today i thought about running away without even saying goodbye, because i think nobody would recognize that i am gone or miss me at all…

One thought on “Who am I??”

  1. “If my father and my mother forsake me, the Lord will take me up.” – The Bible
    You are precious to Jesus. I promise.

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