An Open Letter to my Ex-Best Friend

Fuck you. Yeah I’m pissed. Not that you would know since you’re ignoring me. I hate what you did. I hate that you didn’t even involve me in the decision. But, I could never hate you. But God damn it I wish I could. Why did you have to ruin everything? Why did you have to treat me like crap. Yes, I know I made mistakes but I never wanted to end our friendship.

Do you know what you ignoring me did to me? I had nightmares that you killed yourself. Before your funeral your parents would ask me to stand with the family because we were so damn close. We were so close! How could you! But in my nightmares I would have to explain how we don’t talk anymore. How I didn’t know that you were in such a bad place. How I was the reason that you took your own life. In my nightmares I would find a note that you wrote telling me how it was all my fault. I had this nightmare every night for over a month. But all my attempts to contact you were deflected. Ignored texts and snap chats. I am not blaming you for everything I’m sure you would have answered if I had said I’m sorry instead of “Hey”. But I wasn’t sorry for what I did. I have apologized over and over to you for doing something I cannot control and I’m tired of being treated bad.

What you decided to end our friendship over was me living my life. We knew that going to college was going to be hard. I told you time and time again that I was going to be a college athlete and I was going to be busy! You ended our friendship because our schedules didn’t match up. Not something stupid like I couldn’t cancel a coffee date to make time for you, but actual commitments like practice or class. I am paying way to much money to go to this stupid school to skip class. Why would I put myself in debt to not receive an education! You told me that I was to busy hanging out with my new friends to ever see you. I tried to tell you, but you wouldn’t listen. My friends here are all on my team! Half the time we are together it is by force!!! Yes, I love them but I loved you too. Its hard to meet with someone when you have to drive 30 minutes but you only have an hour and a half free time. And in that time you have to get your homework done. Going back to paying to much money not to do it!

I tried to make time for you. But you ruined all our times together. Remember when I invited you to come see my campus? I was super excited about it I drove all the way to get you, brought you to my school, and dropped you off after. But what did you do with our time? You sat on my bed and didn’t talk to me. You played on your stupid phone and ignored me. I didn’t even get to show you my beautiful campus. I was so excited….couldn’t you have at least pretended? I will also never forget the time that you told me my happiness made you depressed. Thank you for that. Or that the time you ignored me for 2 weeks up until my birthday, texted me “happy bday” and ignored me until the next night when you decided to pick a fight about how I was a bad friend. But because your such a great friend you happened to forget that the day after my birthday was the first anniversary of my grandmothers death. You know the grandma that I was extremely close too. The one where I dread 4 days of the year because I can barely stand the thought of her gone? I hurt on her birthday (march 5th), St. Patrick’s day (her and my favorite holiday), October 7th (My birthday…The day we took her off life support) and of course October 8th (the day she died). HOW COULD YOU FORGET! We were so close  that YOU got pulled out of school when she died too! You knew that I was actually afraid of what would happen on her anniversary, but you decided to fight with me instead. By the way I still have never been to her grave. You told me you would go with me the first time because I was scared.

But you don’t care about me anymore. Nope you decided to talk with our other friend about me. And you two on your own decided that our friendship was toxic. That I was toxic. And I didn’t even have a say. But don’t worry, I didn’t cry. I’m numb now to a lot of things. You’re just another person who has left me. Just like a lot more people will. But I learned from you. I learned that I can never fully trust some one and for that I thank you. You saved me a lot of pain and heartbreak. 

So instead of focusing on what I will miss here is a list of things I will not miss:

-hearing “If we were wrestlers we would so not be in the same weight class.”

-“My boyfriend keeps calling you a lesbian and making fun of you. How funny!”

-“I need to get you a boyfriend cause you cant get one yourself”

So this is my attempt at closure. Even though I miss you. What makes it worse was about a week after not talking to you I was going to text you and say “Hey I know I don’t tell you as often as I should, but I love you” but I fell asleep and never sent it. Now look where we are. I hope your happy. But I’m still pissed you gave up on us.

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