I adulted

This week has been stressful and I have been having bouts of tension. Luckily when I experience anxiety and panic I have devised some decent coping mechanisms. I break things down into their simplest forms.

Toothless was low on her pain medication (buprinex) so I called the vet to get a refill. Turns out they can’t refill it due to the intensity of the drug and regulations. They gave me another option. They recommended a fentanyl patch. 

At first I was angry that she couldn’t continue the medication that’s been easing her pain, but then I googled it. Turns out buprenex is a high test narcotic, 10 times stronger than morphine. I held my breath for a second. I am an opiate addict in recovery. I’ve been clean for over a year, but I’ll always carry the burden of addiction. The more I say no to those destructive urges the easier it is for me to abstain. Shit. The very thing I crave for those overwhelming moments I want to be numb to has been sitting under my nose for a week.

I know she needs the pain medication, but I’m glad it’s used up and away from my idle hands and racing mind. I drove to a pharmacy near the veterinarian’s office and picked up the fentanyl patches (another narcotic). The vet shaved a spot on Toothless’s leg just above her paw and applied the patch. She wrapped it in special bitter tasting gauze. I gave her the rest of the prescription to keep in a lock box in her office. I’ll bring the cat back in 5 days to change it.

I passed my test. I didn’t give in temptation. I remain clean. I didn’t take advantage of my cat’s tragic situation to fulfill my own greedy intentions. Sweet relief. Opiate abuse is close to making yourself a living zombie. I never want to go back.

After that I dropped Toothless off at home and got my train wreck hair do fixed by an amazing hair dresser. I am very pleased with the results. I got a cute cut, touched up my side bangs, and I love the blond color. Is this my kismet reward for staying strong? Who knows. The universe goes in circles like that.

In addition to those two appointments I ran various errands (returned books to the library, videos back to the rental store, bought some items the girls needed, etc). Today was a serious case of adulting.

In moments when you struggle – make your options small and simple. Remember a year from now most things won’t be nearly as important.

4 thoughts on “I adulted”

  1. I am proud of you for staying strong and staying clean for over a year! That is no small task. I applaud you 🙂
    Your situation reminds me a lot of the TV show Nurse Jackie where she is addicted to Vicodin and other medications. It shows her life on the pill, and the hard times she went through getting off of it. It’s a crazy roller coaster of emotions but it is one of my favorite shows.

  2. Good for you babygirl! (somebody needs to call you that, after all that serious adulting you need a little “babying”. Very, very proud of you, cannot imagine how hard it all must be. I can tell by the little bits and pieces of yourself that you have shared that you have come a long way so glad for that. Your writing is awesome…clear, clean, interesting to read. Keep it up! And I know you don’t do the “God” thing but my first thought was wow, she didn’t know it was a narcotic, now that’s a God thing! He kept you safe. Well whatever you stayed clean when that ball was in your court…good for you! Now go eat some chocolate!

  3. Thank you sweetie!
    I do “do” the whole God thing, but not so much in the Judeo-Christian way of worship. I’m a firm believer that what you put into life, you’ll get out of life. Definitely some divine intervention going on here and I am so grateful for it.

    In the past I would Google various opiate pills that crossed my path. When I got the script for the buprenex I decided NOT to Google it. Part of staying in recovery is changing routine and breaking old habits. The stuff came in pre measured doses in a syringe. I did however Google the steroids Toothless takes because it said “for cancer care” on the label and the little girl in me was hoping it could preform some sort of miracle to shrink the tumor.

    Chocolate sounds yummy right about now. Thanks again! Cheers <3

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