I have never experienced love

“Love is a many splendid thing. Love lifts us up where we belong. All we need is love”

Love is complicated, is it not? We have our own beliefs, mixed with our parents’ beliefs, added to the pounding concepts of love displayed through the media. With all of these influences, it can be difficult to know how you- how I- feel about love.

I have never had sex, never been kissed, never held the hand of a boy who cannot leave my mind. I have never been left swooning with joy and admiration for another individual. At least, not in an “I want to marry you” type of way. 

I read books about love, watch movies about the topic, see my friends experience it. What am I missing out on? There was a boy I wanted to love, I wanted to commit to him, give myself away to him. I was willing to do anything he asked of me. Am I crazy or what?

I pulled him closer, I pushed him away. It was a see saw game- at least to me. Honestly, maybe everything that happened was something I made up and tricked myself into believing. I thought he wanted to be with me too, but I was wrong.

I poured myself to him, telling him how I felt. He told me he did not want to start anything because he would be studying abroad for one semester. Not even two weeks had passed, and he was holding hands & cuddling with some girl while watching a movie. 

My heart = torn.

Why did he tell me he wanted to wait. Did he lose the guts to tell me that he did not feel the same way about me? He blames the hand holding on his “touchy” culture and nature, but I know that is not true- unless he really is just a messed up boy.

It hurts because I still want him, I still like him, and desire to be with him. But at the same time, I am hurt and I am angry with him. I want to tell him and I want to cry and let it out. I want him to know that he hurt me; yet I somehow want him to take me for himself despite it all.

Of course, there is much more to the story than I can write on here. I could write a book, maybe even two, on the situation. You are just getting the basic points of it all, the parts that hurt me the most- though that list could also continue.

What has this relationship come to. Is he not straightforward with me because he is too scared? Or because he is not interested? Do I pursue this regardless of all that has happened? How am I even to respond. Do I tell him that I am angry, or move on and flush the anger away? 

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