Normally, I probably wouldn’t even have acknowledged this outside of my own mental formation. I would’ve done what I usually do and let it erode me internally. Yes, I run from problems often. In fact, I’ve ran from from them all. I can’t run from this one though. This is me finally confronting something that really bothers me. I’m aware of how insanely late I am with this confession but what I’ve recently found out cut me from a different angle. It hurt me so severely that I cried to the point my throat became sore. I lied on the floor for hours. I must first admit I am pathetically stubborn to the point where it does ruin things for me and you would think I’d learn, right? I want to be brutally honest in this letter and I’m sorry for the people who I might surprise in the process but I have go to get this weight off of or else it might kill me. I’ve grown a lot and I have fixed many issues within myself but never fully face my problems with pride. It’s eating me alive, man. The whole purpose for me writing this is to apologize to someone I hurt a few years ago. We haven’t spoken since be broke up and departed on bad terms. In hindsight I realize I really did fuck up. I demolished something that was so sacred to me just by being stubborn! I was informed by a mutual friend that her mom just passed. As I was on the floor, I had numerous flashbacks. Memories resurfaced out of nowhere and I broke down. I just remember everything you were dealing with and how much we related to each other. You were the first one to show me what love was. You were the first person that I’ve ever fallen in love with. I don’t mean to disrespect your boyfriend nor is this an attempt to try to rekindle anything. You just have to know the truth. I’m the only one who can tell it. This mutual friend told me just a few months ago that you brought me up randomly. You said I wasn’t afraid to lose you and that I wanted to push you away. I was shocked because I highly doubted you ever thought about me at all. I wasn’t trying to “play” you or anything like that. We both know we were both enduring a lot at the time. I give you credit for always being the one to apologize first. Honestly, I wasn’t trying to push you away, I was trying to get “revenge” and I got out of line. We kept trying to get revenge on each other and I took it way too far. I wanted you to hurt twice as bad as I was hurting. I was wrong. I regret it. I was hurting you and while doing that I was hurting myself. I told you I wanted to go a “break” but only to see if you’d care. I didn’t really want it. When I found out about you going on that date, the only thing I thought was “okay, I can do that too”. I started flirting with girls and I made sure you knew about it. I NEVER touched them though. I was trying to make you jealous. You were trying to make me jealous and it worked. I started feeling insecure. I started blowing you off out of stubbornness. Stupid, I know. So I’m conscious of how insecure you started to feel. We started to lose track of us. I ended up liking one of the girls I was trying to make you jealous with while we were broken up. I was just tired of arguing and I ran… like I said I always do. I had no idea it would basically fuck me up mentally. Karma. You kept trying to fix it. You kept telling me were sorry and that you needed me. Meanwhile I was catching feelings for someone else. She ended up being karma part 2. I’m realizing she didn’t do any of the shit you did for me. I think I was caught up in looks. I don’t know. I ended up in a love triangle. I obviously made the wrong choice. I knew that a while ago though. Once again, I was too stubborn to try and fix it. Even after all of that, you were still willing to start fresh with me. Your homegirl told me that you still love till this day. She told me how you pray for me still. You said you’re happy in your relationship but “you can’t have a first love twice.” That’s true. I’m sorry about your mom. That is the worst feeling to experience. Just know you are loved by many people. You were always a genuine person. I know we were young and that is no excuse. Thank you for being there after all of that. You truly held me down. I know you didn’t mean anything by the dates or else you wouldn’t have cried while telling me. I overreacted. I was dumb as hell. We built something from the ground up and I tore it down. I’m sorry. I’m praying you’ll be happy the way you deserve to be and that you will be prosperous in all that you do. I messed up and I’ll have to live with that. That’s fine as long as you know!! It shouldn’t have taken this to happen for me to say all of this but I just feel I had to. I’m praying for your family.