Why a title..lame

*just a place to put my thoughts. They aren’t intentions, or actionable, just whatever feelings I’m having at that moment. If you stumble across it, don’t worry  or care what I write. I just need the thoughts out of my head and I have no one to share them with. They could change minute to minute, since that’s what’s happening in my head.  

Today kinda sucks. Haven’t spoken  with King in 2 days now, I have no idea why the hell not. I mean I could probably  message and he’d most likely reply, maybe he’s waiting for me to write 1st. I wrote the last ghing, usually he replies ,  then I do, it’s the pattern so far, so when this happens I get all mixed up. Do I just talk?  Am I bugging him? Is he sick of me? I don’t effing know…is he not talking cuz I’m not?  So aggravating…I hate online relationships for this reason. I wish I was just there, we’ll not there I don’t think. That’s crazy . .I’d like Texas I think…I don’t really want to move in or be  in that situation again I don’t think. I’m having one hell of a time leaving where I am now. I fkn hate him god all we’ve done is argue from the fkn second he walked in the door, just shoot me. I wish I could disappear , he’s arguing again now about stupid shit  that means nothing. Stfu, go away, I keep telling him I want my own place,I want to leave,fkn ahhhh. I need money. 

Dogs are whining to go out..it’s my thing I guess, he doesn’t lift a finger to take them, always me. There’s 3, can’t you take even 1???  And if I ask it’s like world war 3. So why bother . . I wouldn’t have gotten these guys if I knew it would be me alone caring for thrm, he only does for them when it’s convenient  or makes him look like a hero. Like if they’re sick suddenly he’s like overbearing to them, but everyday it’s just me me me. 

Aruyveda  or however it’s spelled seems interesting, watched a bunch about it today. Of course they don’t say what you’re supposed to do, have to go pay one of them to get you’re personal plan done. That won’t happen with him controlling ever cent I spend. Guess I’ll  just  have  to  wait to do it…I can start the yoga, meditation  part myself.

Game is boring. Gather,gather gather  wait wait wait . .but that’s where  my king is, not sure what’s going on there. My heart aches  for him or my idea if who I imagine him to be. Scared, no one I’ve met from online is who I thought they’d be, but I wonder if it’s me putting people on pedestals or just not really getting who they are. Plus I’m so scared I’m going to get hurt again…not sure I want that pain. If I do I’ll never go down thus road again. Just be single, play when I want, be alone when I want, safer then the pain. I don’t mind the being alone  I kinda like it sometimes  and can find people when I want more ..I guess. I don’t know , he’s amazing though if thats how he us irl, plus he turns me on so much. Lol but that could be cuz bad bad sex for years now… I long for some good kisses and someone to actually  turn me on. It would be pretty wicked. 

Had an idea for a restaurant  today…didn’t think I was still interested but I had lots of ideas just coming into my head. I might look into it or go back to real school for natural healing. This computer stuff wears me down and doesn’t satisfy me ..I know it’s good money, but I’m just  not that into it. Ble. 

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